October 22nd Wednesday.

I have flash backs of my dad dying in his hospital bed. I see him lying there dying. When I dream of my dad, he's always got cancer in my dreams. Hes always dying. I see my son lying in his coffin. Grief isn't just missing them, its reliving their deaths over and over again. Its horrible. Is this how life will be forever? I can't keep living like this, its killing me. I'm filled with grief and some days its suffocating. 

I'm so desperate to see my father and son again. I was thinking earlier that my son is dead and its hard to believe. How can my child be gone forever? It's truly heartbreaking. 

Jesse breaks up tomorrow for half term, we're going a fire work display at his school tomorrow night which ive brought a ticket for, Jasper is coming too. Let's hope it doesnt rain, it's should be a good night. My father and son have got the best view of the fireworks where they are. I remember dads last bonfire night here at my house, I had family and friends here and we had food and fireworks. It was bitter sweet. Was nice having everyone here, but sad that it was my dad's last bonfire night. I never got to do anything with with Jay-Dee before he died because it was so sudden. I never got to say goodbye and that kills me. Seeing your child in the Chapel Of Rest is an imagine ill never forget. Damian didn't want to see him in a coffin so I went in on my own to see him. I had to see him, i had to make sure it was my son that had died tragically. 

Why did life have to be this way? It's cruel.

What did I do that was so wrong to be punished this way? That's how I feel sometimes, I feel like its my fault all this has happened. Thank god I have faith to get me through these dark thoughts i have. In my heart I know my dad and son are safe, waiting for me. I sure do hope heaven is real.