October 5th Sunday.

I disassociat so much its unreal. I miss stuff that im watching because my mind drifts off else where. I find myself silently thinking about my dad and son all through the day. They are always on my mind. I find it hard to concentrate on things because mind is on overdrive. When I had therapy Tuesday we were given a coping strategy. You have to do these 5 things. 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste. Its to take your mind off things and it works. 

Not done anything today except eat and do a tan. I feel better than I did yesterday, so that's something. Jesse hasn't gone with Damian as he's not very well. I'm on episode 3 of Monster The Ed Gein Story and its really good. Bit fucked up, but then so am I so its all good. Definitely worth watching. Jasper will be going home soon after his sleepover last night, then ill be sat on my own, that's when the mind goes on overdrive. My friend asked me if I was going hers today, but due know what, I fancied a lazy pj and Netflix day. Some days I dont want to participate in life and today is one of those days. Can't believe we're in October already. Ive got no recollection of the past few years, its like im just drifting through life. Its really sad. I have a holiday to look forward to next year, even though my anxiety is through the roof thinking about taking Jasper and Jesse on my own. I know we'll be fine. Its given me something to look forward to. I dont feel like Christmas this year, I dont want to put a tree up or decorations. Last Christmas was hard not having Jay-Dee or my dad here. I'm just dreading it. Its a time for families to get together and be happy. How can I be happy when half of my heart is in heaven? Plus it costs a fortune and im broke! It'll be here before we know it too. Anyway, that's it for the day. Going carry on watching Monster.