October 9th Thursday.

I saw a baby girls funeral go past my house today and it broke my heart. I know exactly how that family are feeling and I wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy. Its truly heartbreaking. She had a beautiful little pink coffin on a horse drawn carriage. Absolutely beautiful. It took me back to Jay-Dees funeral. Standing outside the house with his coffin, then making our way to the crematorium. My heart is beyond broken, I dont think i can recover from this. My dad's cancer took 19 months to eventually starve him to death. He had Esophageal Cancer. We had 19 months that led up to his death. 19 months to say goodbye. My son left one day and never came home. No goodbye, nothing. No days or months leading up to his death, there was nothing. No signs to see, he just left the house and never returned. My dad dying was hard, it still is, but to lose a child.. I have no words. I feel empty inside. I'm numb to the world. I'm drifting through life. I'm living one day to the next. I am a broken woman. My heart has been shattered into a million pieces. I hate being alive. I have to tell myself that one day I will see my child and dad again. Jasper said something earlier about living to an old age and I said, I won't be here till im old. No way am I living to an old age. Depression and grief will kill me. I know it. I don't want to live to an old age, I want to see my father and son and im not waiting till im in my 80's. No way. I'm not mentally well enough to live that long. Something has got to give in my life before I give up on life.