October 20th Monday.

Ive slept the day away today. Zero energy. Did the school run, nipped Asda, came home and slept on the settee. Didn't even want go the cafe this morning, I did go but didn't even have a drink. Just sat listening to the conversation and smiling to my friends. They wouldnt know I was dead inside. I can't wait go bed and see the back of today. What did you think of my testimony in yesterday's blog? Hope it was alright because that's what ill be reading to a room full of people. I'm so nervous, but im going to push myself and do it. My story could save someone's life. It needs to be told. Ive overcome so much and I never give myself any credit. I am proud of how far ive come, I just wish I was happy to be alive. I can't live like this for the rest of my life. God im so drained today. Mentally and physically drained. Ive got Jasper and Jesse sat with me, we've just watched The Polar Express. Jesse chose the film. I saw a post earlier saying its only 10 Fridays until Christmas. Where has the year gone? I'm not feeling chrismassy at all. Asked the kids what they want for Christmas and they said they dont know. Great. Not got a clue what to buy. I hate Christmas since Jay-Dee isn't here. Not the same when one of your children pass away. I know he wasn't a baby, but he was my baby forever. My first born child gone forever. Nothing will ever be the same. I use to visit my dad every Christmas day. Christmas isn't the same anymore. My heart isn't in life at the moment.  I wish for happiness but it doesn't come. Got be due some luck haven't i?