October 27th Monday.

Another day of hanging on by a thread. No, to be fair it hasn't been to bad. Ive been to my sisters and myself, Sarah, Jesse and Athena have calved pumpkins. Athena painted my toe nails, shes only 5 so you can imagine how they must look, and we watched a movie. Then I get home and Jasper is breaking his heart because of Jay-Dee. Then it hit me all over again that my son is dead. My heart sank for Jasper because I know how it feels. I know the pain they're feeling inside. I wish I could make it all better for them, but im dead inside. I died the day my father passed away,  then I died all over again when my son died. Rock bottom has a basement. I dont see a light at the end of the tunnel, I dont see a future with me in it. Sad isn't it? But true. I told Jasper to stay strong. Good advice from someone who's falling apart. The only reason I am so strong is because of my children. They give me the strength to live everyday. Jasper is ok now, by the way. Makes me sad inside knowing my children are hurting. I'm giving life all ive got, I really am trying. Some times I feel like im slowly losing my mind. I try to participate in life, but im always sad. My sister has Jay-Dees photo in her kitchen window along with my dad's and I said to her, life isn't fair. They should still be here, makes me angry at the world. I'm a Christian but some times im angry at God for allowing my son to step off that car park. I'm angry that cancer stole my father from me. I was doing ok all day today and then grief just smacks you in the face. I'll be ok. I'm strong enough to get through this. I have to be strong for my children. Makes me sad that i want to die but I have to live.