October 29th Wednesday.

Just sat reliving the morning i had a knock on the door off the police. Never in a million years would i have guessed what that police officer was going to say. That my son was dead! I remember shaking as I rang Damian and had to tell him his son was dead. He was at my house within minutes. Nothing can ever prepare you for child loss. With my dad we had 19 months of watching him die. I dont know what's worse, sudden death or a prolonged death. My head is well and truly fucked. I'm sick of feeling this way. Its everyday. Apparently, its PTSD. I relive my dad's final hours. I hate my brain. For someone that's not afraid to die, I certainly can't handle death. I wish I could go back, I wish I could of saved them. I need to get out of this house tomorrow, even if its just to nip the shop because I feel like im going insane some times. I'm trapped in my own head. The medication isn't making things better, they're just keeping my head above water. Doesn't bare thinking about what I'd be like if I wasn't on my medication. I'd imagine I'd be dead already. I guess I should be thankful I woke up again for my children. I'm living just for the kids. I'm only alive today because of them. It's so sad. 

Anyway, myself and Jesse have not long bathed the dog. She hates a bath, but shes good as gold in the bath. Then she gets the zoomies whilst shes drying off. It got Jesse laughing so that's good. I'm waiting for Jasper to arrive, he'll be here soon. I'll be honest, I can't wait go bed. I'm done with today. Anyway, ive had my moan so bye.