October 21st Tuesday.

Just had my 5th session of trauma therapy, today we talked about dissociation, which is funny because I find that I dissociate through the whole session. Nothing goes in my head. I just smile and nod. Ive become good at that. People can be talking to me and i won't hear a word they say and I just smile at them like I know what they're on about. I'm tired. I could of easily fallen asleep in today's session. Half term next week so no session until the kids go back school. Went the cafe this morning, had a cup of tea. Tried to engage in conversation. Thing is, ive got nothing to say, to anyone. I could easily go mute. I'm so depressed, ive got no desire to live and it makes me sad. Ive been Asda and got the ingredients to make a spag bol for tea. Can I be bothered to cook? Absolutely not. Am I going to cook for my kids? Yes, yes I am. I'm just doing some washing and that's it for the day. I might have a nap, I feel so tired. I know its the depression and grief eating away at me. Don't know how to snap myself out of how im feeling. Living is hard work and it shouldn't be like this. I just want to be better, I want to feel alive. Feel like i have death following me around as I go about my day. I'm grieving, but I also wish I was dead. Death would be so peaceful. Thank god ive got my boys to keep me going.