October 28th Tuesday.

Ive been to see a couple of my friends for a few hours today, she cooked us all sausage and egg sandwiches. It was good to have a catch up, but the whole time I was there I was thinking of my dad and son. I'm sat here now writing this blog feeling absolutely devastated. I miss my dad and son so much, it really hurts. Honestly, im heartbroken. Tried to engage in conversation, its so hard to try and be happy. Life shouldn't be hard work, but it is. Living is a nightmare I just can't seem to wake up from. I wish it was all a bad dream that ill wake up from any second. Living is hell. Hell on earth. I know my dad and son are in a better place, I just wish I was too. 

Told my mate earlier that ive been single over a year, but if im honest, it could be longer. I have no recollection of the relationship ending or when it did end. I feel like ive blocked years of my life out. I dissociate so much its scary. It got me thinking of how long ive been single. When will I be ready to meet someone new? What if im on my own forever? I keep thinking god will send me someone when the time is right, and i truly believe he will. But when?! Ive become too use to my own company, I love it being just me and my boys. I actually love being single. I go to bed when I want, I watch what I want on tv, ill eat when I feel like eating. I just love being on my own. Yeh it would be nice to meet someone new, but there's no rush. I need to love me before I can love someone else. I'm on a journey of self discovery. 

I thank god everyday for my children, its just devastating that one of them are no longer here, I get a little comfort thinking my dad is taking care of Jay-Dee. I hope he is.

Can't tell you the pain i feel inside every single day. Its a new blow to the stomach everyday. Grief is horrible.