October 13th Monday.

So ive been my mums this morning to get my hair done. She's a hairdresser. Anyway, i was telling her how Jesse starts bereavement counselling tomorrow with Dove Bereavement. He cries alot at school saying he misses his grandad and brother. Hes only 9 so god knows how his head must be. I'm 41 and a complete mess mentally. Anyway where was I, yes, my mum said it can't be helping anyone having 2 lots of ashes in the house. She said Jay-Dee she can understand, but its time to let go of your dad and scatter his ashes... let go of my dad? What the fuck does that even mean? I'll never let go of my dad, that man was my best friend. Scatter his ashes? How the fuck is that meant to help me, ill just miss him even more, if that's at all possible. But back to my mum, i swear she speaks before she thinks because who the fuck in the right mind would tell me, someone with PTSD and Chroni Depression to scatter my father's ashes and to move on?!? I'll never want to scatter my father's ashes. Honestly I wish she'd of kept her opinion to herself because its just pissed me off. Struggling to deal with his death nearly 5 years on, but i know, ill get rid of his ashes, the only thing I have left of him. She's fucking crazy. I'll never be ready. I dont plan on ever scattering anyone's ashes. God damn it mum! On the plus side, my hair looks good again. I'm just half way through drying it, but its so long it takes ages to do. One of the reasons i only wash it once a week. Its a task to do because it has to be straightened too because im naturally curly and I hate it. I always contemplate on shaving it all off again like I did back in 2020. I did a Britney Spears. I lost the plot. I had a breakdown. That was a few days before my father passed away. God ive been in a bad place for years and years, its really sad isn't it? Honestly believe the antipsychotic Olanzopine i take at night time saved my life. I'm still mentally unwell, but I was worse than I am now. Ive come so far, I should be proud of myself. I know the main reason is the medication, but fighting those intrusive thoughts is all me. I have to fight to stay alive. Its exhausting. Anyway, im going finish my hair.

I know what i forgot tell you, a Robin flew into my house yesterday. I truly believe that was a sign from my dad and Jay-Dee. I was just sat thinking about it and it warms my heart.