October 19th Sunday.

Sat listening to my sons funeral song, Nelly Furtado Childhood Dreams. The lyrics The Little Boy Made For Me In The Stars, I have tattooed above my knee with Jay-Dee underneath. You know, ive had such a good day and a wave of grief has just belted me in the stomach. I am a grieving daughter and a grieving Mother. I am a broken woman. I went to Church this morning, absolutely amazing service. Felt uplifted. Stayed behind for a cup of tea and a catch up with a friend. Ive been for a catch up with 2 of my friends this afternoon. My day has been really good and boom back to reality that my son and father are both dead. A 17 year old boy was killed last night in Bentilee, my heart sank for his family. The pain they must be going through right now will never go away. To lose a child is the worst feeling in the world. Been singing a beautiful worship song in my head all day. Its called Holy Forever by Chris Tomlin. Please listen to it and you'll feel uplifted. Honestly, having faith is what gets me through each day. God hears my prayers for strength and im still here today. Amen! If youve never listened to a worship song, I beg you to listen to Holy Forever. Absolutely amazing. Got it playing in my ears as I type this blog. I know my dad and son are in God's arms waiting for my arrival. Not yet I hope, but no too long either. Torn between life and death, literally. I want to see my sons grow up, but by god do I want to see my dad and son again. Life without my dad has been hard for nearly 5 years, 15th of next month will be 5 years. That man was my best friend. We did everything together,  not a day went by where I didn't see my dad's face, then he died and i fell apart. Was learning how to carry grief better as the years went on, then my son died and my world went dark all over again. Ive been trying so hard to get out of the dark place I went to, I try everyday to participate in life but grief is always hanging over my shoulders. Ive got to live with grief forever and it kills me inside to know ill never be the Ann-Louise I used to be. She died the day my father passed away. Ive been desperately trying to find her, but I think she may be gone forever. Who am I now? I dont even know. I dont recognise myself anymore. I wear a fake smile everyday, but inside, im dead. I'm only alive today because my kids need a mother. Next Saturday at Church i will be reading my Testimony out to everyone there. How ive made it through to today. I'll post what ive written so you can read it. I'm on a journey of finding me and it starts with church, its where im meant to be. Thank you Jesus (& my meds) for getting me to today. Amen.