October 14th Tuesday.

Jesse came home from school yesterday saying he felt sick, didn't think anything of it until he was sick all over my living room carpet. We've had a rough night sleep, no school for him today and ive missed trauma therapy. The Sutherland Center has just rang to make sure im ok because I missed my appointment. Just said that my son has been throwing up all night. I'm tired today. 

Still can't get over my mum telling me its time to let go of my dad's ashes. Honestly its played on my mind. His resting place is my bedroom and that will never change. The only reason I can keep going is because I have my father and sons ashes with me. I'd feel lost without them with me. 

My hearts not in Christmas this year, I dont want to put decorations up or go Christmas shopping. Its not the same now one of my children aren't here. I didn't want to do Christmas last year either. My hearts not in it anymore. I chucked my Christmas tree away last year so dont think ill bother with a tree this year. I'll put a few decorations up for Jesse but that's it. 

Going be stuck in the house all day now Jesse isn't in school. Its not good for my mental health not leaving the house. 

I'm just having my second cup of tea whilst watching This Morning. I could just go back sleep if im honest, but instead ive got washing to do. 

Still keep thinking about the Robin that flew into my house the other day. Its got to be a sign from my dad and Jay-Dee. I went to it to open the window and it just flew off back out of the door it came through. Made my day having a Robin fly in. I just know it was a sign.