October 30th Thursday.

So i did as I said I would yesterday, i got up, got dressed & Jesse and we went Asda for goodies. I always let him pick his own snacks, he carries his own basket. He melts my heart. How could I even consider suicide when I have my children to live for. I hate how mentally ill i am. I fight suicidal thoughts daily, wishing I was dead, but also, grateful im alive. My head is fucked. I feel like ive got one foot in the future and one foot stuck in grief. Stuck thinking about the past, when my father and son were alive. Its like im living 2 lives. One minute I can be fine and the next I want to die. Its fucking torture. My own head is torture. I'm sick of blogging about how mentally unwell I am. I want to write a happier blog. I want a full day where I feel ok. I'm not asking for much, just better mental health. They say try and count how many things you're grateful for and its just my kids. I'm grateful for my kids that's it. I'm grateful I woke up again to see them, but I also wish I'd of died in my sleep. Can't win. Anyway, just put a documentary on Netflix called Aileen Queen Of Serial Killers. I do love a good documentary. 

I matched with a girl on Facebook dating and we've been messaging each other, but you know what, I can not be bothered with the small talk. I'm forcing myself to message her. She's not even my type. Fuck sake. I'm just not ready I think. Ive become too comfortable on my own. Ive got my friends, I dont need a woman or a man. Fuck it, fuck everything. Fuck today.