October 4th Saturday.

Just sat thinking of my son taking his own life. I still can't believe it. I can't accept it, and I know i need to accept it, in order to live this life ive been given. Its hard. Not having my child here is so hard. I can't tell you how much pain im in, inside. 

I could just scream!!

I'm a Christian that some times I question my faith, because why take my dad and son from me? They say everything happens for a reason.. some one please tell me the reason? To lose my father who was my best friend, to then have cancer, and then my son kills himself. What is the reason for all this tragedy? The only good thing I take from it all, is that im nearly 4 years sober. My friend came this morning for a few hours and she had so much to say and then there's me, nothing to talk about because I have no interest in being alive. I could happily kill myself. Of course I won't, but death doesnt scare me. I'm already dead on the inside. Dusted Jay-Dees urn earlier and I just stared at it in disbelief. My son is no longer here and I just can't accept it. I couldnt put into words how much I miss my father and son. I wouldnt wish child loss on my worst enemy. My heart is broken. Next month will be 5 years since my dad's death, every time I dream about my dad, he's always dying in my dreams. Its horrible. I'd class it as a nightmare. I wish Jay-Dee would visit me in my dreams more often. I miss his face and his cheeky little smile he use to do. He use to just appear behind me out of the blue, it would make me jump and we'd laugh because it was a regular thing. He use to do it loads and make me jump. That memory will stay with me forever. My heart is heavy tonight.