Cancer, Depression and Me.

Fighting for a life I dont even want. Jay-Dee would of been 23 today. My boy, forever 21. My heart is broken. I feel so numb today. Ive been to therapy and didn't hear a word. Feel like im not with it today. My heads all over the place. I can't describe the pain I feel inside. I'm tired, i just want to curl into a ball and sleep. I want to lie in bed and let the world pass me by. My head is just above water. My beautiful friends at school have brought me flowers and card today, to say they're thinking of me. How very thoughtful of them. I love my friends. Ive had messages on Facebook & wattsapp from friends telling me they're thinking of me. Makes me realise how much support ive got. I'm so thankful for my friends. Today is a shit day. Going the crem later to lay flowers. Its only dinner time and im already done with today.

I feel upset today. Ive brought Jay-Dee a birthday like i have done every year and i will carry on doing. Ive been talking to his urn and its heartbreaking. Talking to a wooden box instead of my child is the hardest thing in the world. I'm absolutely gutted that he's not here with me. He will be 23 tomorrow, but forever 21. You know what's hard? Watching Jensen grow up knowing Jay-Dee is only 11 months older than him. Seeing Jensen do things that Jay-Dee should be doing. I'll never understand why he took his own life and ive got to live with this pain forever. Why has life been this way? Why have I been chosen to fight so many battles? Life is hard. Didn't go the cafe this morning, just went Asda got my shopping and came home. Wasn't in the mood to socialise this morning. I did message my friends to say I wouldnt be there. I wish I could just lie in bed forever. Hate doing life. Even when im having a better day im still sad inside. Ive smiled and said morning to...

Was awake at 7am ready for our half 8 pick up. We had to set off early to avoid the marathon. The weather has been red hot, its been the best day. I love how we have our blended family and do things all together with the kids. Its how it should be. Life's too short. Ive done some walking today, definitely got my steps in. On the way home i found myself staring at the sky thinking about Jay-Dee and my dad. It hurts my heart not having them here, especially my son. He was 21 years of age. Its no age at all. Not looking forward to Tuesday. My beautiful boy should be turning 23. Jensen is working that day but after work we're going the crem to lay flowers on Jay-Dees flower bed. I'm so thankful that Damian pays for his flower bed because its somewhere we can go to remember him. I'm so glad I have his and my dad's ashes with me. They're safe with me. I talk to them both everyday in the hopes they can hear me. My heart is heavy. I know its because Jay-Dees birthday is...

It's not been a bad day today. Ive been out shopping with my friends then we went to China Gardens where I had a Fanta. Done me the world of good to get out with my friends. Always lifts my mood. I told them that its Jay-Dees birthday on Tuesday and they're so supportive. I'm going Drayton Manor tomorrow, got to be up early so we can leave before the marathon starts. I love doing stuff through the day because it keeps my mind occupied. I'm not looking forward to Tuesday,  my first born should of been turning 23 but he's forever 21. Life shouldn't be this way. My child should still be here. Ive got trauma therapy the same day so it'll keep my mind occupied for a few hours. My brother gave me £50 earlier to go shopping with because im broke. How lovely is that. Anyway, im just catching up on Married At First Sight, bed early tonight ready for my early start. 

Life has knocked me down over and over again and I just keep getting back up. Where is my strength coming from? I dont know how im doing it. I show up everyday regardless of how im feeling. I'm proud of myself for not giving up on life. Ive thought about drinking the past few days, but ive not given in. What would I achieve from starting to drink again? I'm strong because im sober. I'm strong because I have faith. I'm strong because I have 3 children that need their mum. I have to stay sober, my life depends on it. Felt a bit gutted that my ex Zoe has moved on, but the more I think about it, I finally feel free. I can finally move on with my life knowing shes someone else's problem haha. I did a tan last night and was up at half 6 this morning getting a shower. Its crazy how much a tan can improve your mood. My brother will be here when he's finished work. Mentally im not doing too bad. Its Jay-Dees 23rd birthday Tuesday, the same day as my therapy. Not looking ...

Today has been ok, went a craft afternoon with Jesse at school. I never tell him ive booked on, I just turn up and the smile he has on his face when he sees me is priceless. I love seeing my kids smile. Just found out my ex is in a relationship with someone new. I feel like its given me closure. I can finally move on with my life. I wish her all the best. I can tell how much ive grown as a person. I'm not bitter, im just happy she's out of my life for good now. Wonder when ill meet someone new, im not in no rush. I need to get better first. I need to love me before I love someone else and at the moment, I dont love me. I need to find myself again. It would be nice to meet someone, but im in no rush. I'm not even sure what gender I want to be with anymore. I'm so confused. It'll happen when the time is right. Ive done myself a tan again so ive got wake up early to shower it off before the school run. Don't know why I do these things because it will kill me gettin...

Got really bad tooth ache, a tooth on my left hand side is killing me, ive just had some paracetamol. Got a dentist appointment for the 8th of next month. Let's hope I can go that long with this tooth. Its affecting the left hand side of my face. Oh well, anyway, I went Hanley this morning to meet my sister. I got a taxi there and I was absolutely fine. I'm so proud of myself for getting up everyday and living this life. As much as I wish I was dead, im trying my best to stay alive. Days like today give me hope. Ive thought about my dad and Jay-Dee today, like I do everyday. That will never change for as long as i live. I'm just trying to carry grief better. Some days its heavy and weighs me down, and some days I carry it with me as I go about my day. The bad days out weigh the good, but im hoping that will change as time goes on. I'm going in the right direction, im medicated and now im having therapy sessions. I really am trying to stay alive. This god damn tooth is k...

Had my first session of trauma therapy this morning. Really didn't want to go, was so nervous, but I pushed myself to go. It went ok. I'll stick with it for the 8 weeks and we'll see if my mental health improves at the end of it. Straightened my hair yesterday, not done it in ages and I can't believe how long my hair has got. Its down my back. Still keep thinking about going short with it. I dunno. Ive got naturally curly hair so its just a nightmare straightening it. I love it when its done, hate doing it. Ive been embracing the curls the past few weeks. Just been letting it dry naturally over night and clipping it up. I'm not feeling too bad today, Jensen picked me up after therapy and we nipped Asda get some snacks. Jasper is here now, he's not gone college because he's not very well. I'm meeting my sister tomorrow for a coffee, not seen her in ages and she's going through a break up so it'll be nice for us to meet up. Don't know what we...

Didn't want to get up early, but i did. Went to Church. Love the singing, love the Sermon, just love being in church. Its like a safe place for me. I have anxiety about doing everything, except for going to Church. I know in my heart that my dad and son are in God's arms waiting for me. I get peace in my heart when I go to Church. It might not be for you, and that's absolutely fine. Trauma helped me find my faith and for that im grateful. I pray so much and I know people pray for me. My life hasn't been easy at all, Im fighting alcohol addiction, and I had cancer.. and yet somehow, im still here. Prayer. I believe in the power of prayer. Anyway, enough about Church. Ive been to see 2 of my friends for a few hours, had a nice catch up. Then Jensen came to pick me up save me getting a taxi home, bless his heart. Bloody love my boys I do. If only they knew I was only alive today because of them. They really are my reasons to live. I was thinking, what if one day my intrusi...

One of Jay-Dees funeral songs came on my tiktok. The Smiths This Charming Man, it was Jay-Dees and his best mates Brad's song. Did I hear it for a reason? Is that Jay-Dees way of telling me he's ok? Ive just listened to it on my Spotify and my heart sank. I miss my child so much it kills me inside. I can't describe the pain I feel inside after losing one of my children. I never got to say goodbye and it makes me feel physically sick. You get a weird feeling in your stomach, its like youve been punched, but feel sick at the same time. My heart feels heavy, its like im carrying a weight around in my chest. Grief is heavy. We were going to go the crem today, but have you seen the weather? It's Jay-Dees birthday in 2 weeks, he should be turning 23, but instead of celebrating with him, ill be buying flowers for his flower bed. Thank god I have his ashes with me. I couldnt bare the thought of leaving him in a grave yard alone. Same with my dad, I have his ashes. They'll a...

Thought about Jay-Dee and my dad today, alot. Its consumed my day. Its consuming my life. I have the odd good day here and there, but the bad days out weigh the good. I'm hanging on by a thread. Thought about killing myself earlier, overdose to be precise. It was just a passing thought, I had no intentions in doing anything. I couldnt bare to leave my kids behind. Jensen has been crying thinking of Jay-Dee, ive hugged him and told him I love him. Today has been a shit day. We're going the crem tomorrow to lay some flowers on Jay-Dees flower bed. Life was never meant to be this way. I ask myself everyday, why did my son kill himself? Why did cancer take my father? I'm heartbroken. Why didn't my cancer kill me? Why and how am I still here today? How did i make it this far without killing myself? What is my purpose? Who am I? So many questions, zero answers. Just said to Jensen, life's shit and he said some times. Its shit for me all the time. I'm not enjoying bein...

Hits me everyday that my son and dad are no longer here. Jasper's been to visit Jay-Dees flower bed at the crem, and its hit me all over again that my son is dead. Felt really good yesterday, my mood wasn't low, I felt good. Then today im hit with sadness. I won't stay sad, ill try and snap myself out of it, somehow. Ive done the school run and got home and got my pjs on. Done some more washing, swear it never ends. I need to start thinking positive. I was blessed to have Jay-Dee for 21 years, but he should still be here with me. Living with grief is hard work. Everyday I face a new battle. Gutted im having a shit day after how good I felt yesterday, but I live for the better days. The thought of having a good day is what keeps me going. I know the bad days won't last, its just hard work getting through them. Not sure what im doing for tea today, there's lobby left over so the kids could have that, or ill just cook something out of the freezer. Do you ever get tired...

Wow, I feel so much better today. Woke up early, had a shower to wash my tan off and its instantly improved my mood. Ive thought about my dad and son for a while and yes it made me sad, but i didn't stay there. I snapped myself out of it. Got absolutely soaked this morning doing the school run. Went Asda and the butchers for everything to make a lobby for tea. Its all in my slow cooker. Its been slow cooking since 10am, the house smells lovely. My slow cooker is massive, ive made enough to feed the street I think haha. Anyway, back to my good mood. I know they dont last so I just need to be thankful that I have better days. Can't believe the difference in me today. I smiled this morning in the cafe and even joined in with conversations. Honestly, thank god for better days. I wouldnt say I was happy to be alive, but I thank god im not dead. Today is a good day. Thank you Jesus.

Got up this morning and did the school run. I feel better today. Well I did feel better until I went on tiktok and heard one of Jay-Dees funeral songs. My heart sank. I know this will happen as I go through life, i know this, but it hurts. Ive brought smash burgers for tea. Sick of thinking everyday what do for tea. Its draining. I find being alive draining. I'm tired all the time, depression and grief are draining. I'm just doing some washing like usual. Going see if my friends want to come mine tomorrow evening, feel like i should see them more often. It does me good when ive seen them. I have to push myself to socialise so I dont become trapped in my own head. My head isn't a nice place to be. All I ever think about is my dad and son. I sat in the cafe this morning just watching my friends chat and laugh and I sat there and thought to myself, I dont fit into this life. I try to join in the conversation as much as I can, but once again, I have to force myself. I dont real...

Started writing a blog last night but i was so drained I couldnt be bothered to even type. I deleted what I wrote. I was only saying how tired and depressed I was. I'm so fucking fed up. I'm so tired of being alive. Ive got no aspirations because im that depressed, I just wish i was dead. The only enjoyment I get out of life, is getting into bed at night. I wake up and I can't wait to go back bed. I know its because im desperate to see my dad and my son in my dreams. That's why I love being asleep. Plus its an escape from life. Not taken Jesse school today, i tried waking him up but he wouldnt wake up, so I climbed back into bed and went back sleep. Hes going tomorrow. I start Trauma Therapy next Tuesday. Don't know how i feel about group therapy, but im willing to give it a go. I'll try anything to get better. I am trying to live this life ive been given regardless of how hard the days are. Bet you're fed up of hearing me moan about life, and for that im so...

Ive done nothing at all today except wash my bedding and make it back up. My hearts not in life at the moment. Got all my boys here with me, im thankful and grateful for them, but Jay-Dee isn't here and it kills me inside. We've got a big pizza for tea and ive just plated Jasper some up and there was 4 pieces left and my heart sank because Jay-Dee used to have the last 4 pieces of pizza. Its the little things the hurt so much. I'm feeling pretty low at the moment, not feeling life. Feel like im stuck in grief. I'm not moving forwards. How can I change this? I dont know what im meant to do. Yeh, im making it through each day, but most days im hanging on by a thread. Was meant to shower today but i feel that depressed im still in the same pjs I wore last night. Its ok to feel low, but dont stay there too long. So I need to snap out of it. Jesse will be going with Damian tomorrow so ill go see my friends. I'll shower in the morning. Its been 15 months since Jay-Dees de...

Jay-Dee visited me in my dreams last night, he put his arms around me and hugged me. Then i woke up, absolutely gutted. I needed that hug even if it was in a dream. I miss him so much. Its hurts my heart. Didn't go see my friends last night, really wasn't in the mood and ive not met my sister this morning. I just can't be bothered. I feel like shit mentally. Just taken my morning medication, I hate being on so much medication just to stay afloat. My brother is coming after work, he'll snap me out of my shitty mood. My brother is pretty funny. We do have a laugh when we're together. Seeing Jay-Dee last night has really made me feel sad. I just can't understand why he'd kill himself, but then again I want to kill myself and know one knows. You can't see mental illness. Maybe he was struggling secretly, I dont know and ill never know the reason why. I just want to see him again, I want to see my dad. I miss them both so much. I say it all the time, but life...

Just been stood looking at my sons urn. At rest June 2nd aged 21 years, it says on top. I'm absolutely heartbroken. My son and my dad are both dead and I can't comprehend what's happened. Some days it really knocks the wind out of me. I'm tired today, drained. I could just climb into bed but its only 2pm. I miss my dad and son more than I could put into words. I hate days like today where my mind goes on overdrive. I'm meant be meeting my friends later for a catch up but I really can't be bothered to go, so im going to cancel it. Just can't be bothered to sit with a fake smile on my face and drink tea. I'm not in the mood. On the plus side of things, tea is cooked already. Ive made a curry in the slow cooker, so just got do the rice and its done. Thank god. I'm meeting my sister tomorrow, her partner of 16 years has packed his bags and left her. Apparently he needs a break! You dont get to pack your things and have a break from your family. Makes me ...

Been big Asda this morning with my friend, Kayleigh. Brought Jesse some new slippers and socks, and did some food shopping. The little Asda i go daily doesnt have clothes so it was nice go the big Asda. My friend drives. Did I tell you ive packed my driving lessons in for a while. I can't afford to drive and pay for next years holiday, so I had to make a choice and I chose the holiday that I was already paying for. It'll be worth it come next July. Just me, Jesse and Jasper on a little holiday to Magaluf. Google Katmandu where we'll be staying, its amazing. I went a few years ago but Jesse was only 2 or 3 and it was the best holiday. I'm excited but by God am I nervous. Anyway, its 10 past 3 and im waiting for school to end at 3.20 so I can wait for Jesse to get home. Jasper's been home on his dinner break at college because he had 2 hours until his next lesson, so he cycled home. Was lovely seeing him through the day. Mental health isn't too bad today. Ive been...

You know, before I got sober I was a right piss head. I was drinking bottles of Jack Daniels daily. The drink would make me feel suicidal and more often than not, I'd take over doses or cut my wrists. My left arm is a right mess from years and years of self harm. I was depressed years before my dad's death, then he died and my world went even darker. After dad's death I started drinking morning and night. I was a full blown alcoholic. Everything changed for me the night I collected my dad's ashes and I nearly died. Finding out I was put on breathing equipment. It hit me that it wasn't my time to die. I believe my dad sent me back and after that night I promised myself I'd never try to take my own life again. Being sober means im strong enough to fight the dark days. In drink everything was so much harder to deal with. I'm over 3 and a half years sober now and im fighting the dark days and im winning. I'm still alive because I stopped drinking. I dont let...

Did not want to get up this morning, but I did. Yay. Anyway, that 10 minutes it takes Jesse to arrive home after school is horrible. You start to think all sorts. What if he doeant arrive home? What if he's kidnapped? Oh god my mind went on overdrive. Hes my last baby so im bound to worry. Hes growing up too fast. He said can I go on my own in the morning, i said no, not yet. This morning he rode to school on his own, but i walked and saw him there when I arrived. I like going the cafe see my friends. Through the day ive had a shower and washed my hair. I really want to go short with  my hair, but I want to lose weight first. I'm 8lb down now, its slowly coming off. Jabbed Saturday morning and haven't been ill off it this time so im happy. Don't know about you, but ive put the heating on, I think its gone cold. Ive not been too bad today, mentally speaking. Ive sat and thought about my dad and my son but I managed to snap myself out of it. Not a day goes by where I dont...

Ive been thinking alot today about the fact that I can't seem to accept that my father and son are both dead. Its like im having a nightmare i can't seem to wake up from. How has this happened? How did we make it to today, after everything? I know i need to accept their deaths, I just dont know how. It just doesn't seem real. Its hard to comprehend. I was meant be meeting my friends today but i cancelled. I'm just not in the mood to socialise. Saying that, I never am. I just force myself so I dont go insane. My friends make me feel normal for them few hours im with them. Its when im home alone, that's when the over thinking happens. I'm speaking out loud to dead people in the hopes that they hear me. I speak to 2 urns on a regular basis. Every likely im fucked in the head. I'm surrounded by death. I said before how ive got my dad's ashes in my bedroom and my sons ashes in the living room. I wouldnt have it any other way, and I know its not healthy, menta...

Decided not go Church tomorrow, i want to lie in. I know i should go but im choosing sleep. Before I was put on Olanzopine I suffered for years with insomnia. It was horrendous. I'd sleep for 3 hours then I'd be awake all night. It was literally driving me insane. I was losing my mind. Olanzopine literally saved my life. Anyway, ive showered today, done a load of washing and drying. Ive been to see my friend for a couple of hours, which was nice. There's 4 of us meeting up tomorrow for a catch up. I try to see them as much as I can because it keeps me from going insane. Ive just had a take away with the boys. We always have a take away on Saturday because Jasper sleeps over. Last night as I lay in bed, all I could think about was Jay-Dee. I didn't get sleep until after 12am. Couldn't switch off so im going bed early tonight. Its 10 to 8 now, ill be in bed for 9pm. How my Saturdays have changed. I'll go bed tonight and not wake up hungover. Thank you Jesus. Can...

Went to my appointment this morning at The Sutherland Center. I have a start date for Trauma Therapy,  it starts in 2 weeks. Its an 8 week course and its every Tuesday. Had to answer loads of questions about how im feeling. Told her I have suicidal thoughts most days, but have no intentions on killing myself because I can't leave my boys behind. I'm hoping after therapy I start to feel better about being alive. It should give me different coping mechanisms. Its group therapy, there'll be about 12 of us she said. Don't know how I feel about being in a group, but ill go and see if it helps. I'll try anything to get better. Jesse biked home on his own after school, he told me not to meet him and that 10 minutes it took for school to finish and Jesse get home was agonising. I was worried sick. Hes growing up too fast. My baby isn't a baby anymore. The world isn't like it was when I was growing up. We use to be out playing everywhere with our friends. These days ...

My days not been too bad, its good to be in a routine again. My minds been wondering today. Had my dad and son on my mind alot. I was thinking of how much life they both had left to live. Dying at the age of 55 and 21. It really is no age. I'm so glad the last thing Jay-Dee read from me was, I love you and stay safe in a text I sent on the Saturday. At 5:30am Sunday morning my son killed himself. It is literally killing me inside. I had 19 months with my dad fighting his terminal diagnosis, I was grieving from when my dad said terminal. I had alot of counselling with Dove Bereavement after losing my dad. I found it helped a bit and the reason I get through the days is because I know ill keep visiting different stages of grief and it will happen over and over again. So I know when im having a bad day, tomorrow, hopefully will be better. Keeps me going. That and the boys. Anyway, Jesse wants to start coming home alone in the afternoon. Ive given permission but this week we're doi...

Feel so much better today, woke up 3 minutes before my alarm was due to go off which annoyed me haha. Jesse's first day in year 5. Can't believe he's in year 5, my last baby. I went the cafe and saw all my friends and had a catch up and a cup of tea. Went Asda and did some shopping child free. It was bliss. Got back home and walked my dog. I'm doing ok. Jensen gets back home late tomorrow night. Can't wait see him, ive missed his face. I'm just drinking a Monster energy drink and then ill do some cleaning. Thank god I feel better today, yesterday was a bad day mentally. Seeing all the suicide posts on Facebook triggered me, but I made it through the day. I'm a bit tired so im contemplating a nap unless this energy drink gives me some energy. Can you believe its September already. This year has flown. I'm hoping now im back doing the school run I'll lose some weight with all the walking I'll be doing. Fingers crossed. Just weighed myself and the s...

Jesse's had himself a nice bath, ive washed his hair so he's all nice and clean for school tomorrow. Ive showered and washed my hair so im ready for tomorrow's 7am alarm. I'll be honest, ive had anxiety all day about Jesse going back school tomorrow. Don't know why, I know ill be fine. Jesse will be fine. Ive got this! September is national suicide prevention month. All ive seen today is posts about suicide. Its made Jay-Dees death come flooding back. Its been a hard day. I wish I could of saved my son. Why didn't he talk to me, he was my baby. Life is so hard. I wish I could of saved my child. My first baby, oh how I miss him so much. I'm devastated. Heartbroken. I dont know how to get through this. My father and my son, gone forever. I could cry. Jay-Dee would of been turning 23 on the 30th of this month. I am a broken woman. I'm consumed daily by grief,  its eating away at me like cancer, it breaks me daily. How am I still alive, I ask myself everyday...