Cancer, Depression and Me.

Jay-Dee visited me in my dreams last night, he put his arms around me and hugged me. Then i woke up, absolutely gutted. I needed that hug even if it was in a dream. I miss him so much. Its hurts my heart. Didn't go see my friends last night, really wasn't in the mood and ive not met my sister this morning. I just can't be bothered. I feel like shit mentally. Just taken my morning medication, I hate being on so much medication just to stay afloat. My brother is coming after work, he'll snap me out of my shitty mood. My brother is pretty funny. We do have a laugh when we're together. Seeing Jay-Dee last night has really made me feel sad. I just can't understand why he'd kill himself, but then again I want to kill myself and know one knows. You can't see mental illness. Maybe he was struggling secretly, I dont know and ill never know the reason why. I just want to see him again, I want to see my dad. I miss them both so much. I say it all the time, but life...

Just been stood looking at my sons urn. At rest June 2nd aged 21 years, it says on top. I'm absolutely heartbroken. My son and my dad are both dead and I can't comprehend what's happened. Some days it really knocks the wind out of me. I'm tired today, drained. I could just climb into bed but its only 2pm. I miss my dad and son more than I could put into words. I hate days like today where my mind goes on overdrive. I'm meant be meeting my friends later for a catch up but I really can't be bothered to go, so im going to cancel it. Just can't be bothered to sit with a fake smile on my face and drink tea. I'm not in the mood. On the plus side of things, tea is cooked already. Ive made a curry in the slow cooker, so just got do the rice and its done. Thank god. I'm meeting my sister tomorrow, her partner of 16 years has packed his bags and left her. Apparently he needs a break! You dont get to pack your things and have a break from your family. Makes me ...

Been big Asda this morning with my friend, Kayleigh. Brought Jesse some new slippers and socks, and did some food shopping. The little Asda i go daily doesnt have clothes so it was nice go the big Asda. My friend drives. Did I tell you ive packed my driving lessons in for a while. I can't afford to drive and pay for next years holiday, so I had to make a choice and I chose the holiday that I was already paying for. It'll be worth it come next July. Just me, Jesse and Jasper on a little holiday to Magaluf. Google Katmandu where we'll be staying, its amazing. I went a few years ago but Jesse was only 2 or 3 and it was the best holiday. I'm excited but by God am I nervous. Anyway, its 10 past 3 and im waiting for school to end at 3.20 so I can wait for Jesse to get home. Jasper's been home on his dinner break at college because he had 2 hours until his next lesson, so he cycled home. Was lovely seeing him through the day. Mental health isn't too bad today. Ive been...

You know, before I got sober I was a right piss head. I was drinking bottles of Jack Daniels daily. The drink would make me feel suicidal and more often than not, I'd take over doses or cut my wrists. My left arm is a right mess from years and years of self harm. I was depressed years before my dad's death, then he died and my world went even darker. After dad's death I started drinking morning and night. I was a full blown alcoholic. Everything changed for me the night I collected my dad's ashes and I nearly died. Finding out I was put on breathing equipment. It hit me that it wasn't my time to die. I believe my dad sent me back and after that night I promised myself I'd never try to take my own life again. Being sober means im strong enough to fight the dark days. In drink everything was so much harder to deal with. I'm over 3 and a half years sober now and im fighting the dark days and im winning. I'm still alive because I stopped drinking. I dont let...

Did not want to get up this morning, but I did. Yay. Anyway, that 10 minutes it takes Jesse to arrive home after school is horrible. You start to think all sorts. What if he doeant arrive home? What if he's kidnapped? Oh god my mind went on overdrive. Hes my last baby so im bound to worry. Hes growing up too fast. He said can I go on my own in the morning, i said no, not yet. This morning he rode to school on his own, but i walked and saw him there when I arrived. I like going the cafe see my friends. Through the day ive had a shower and washed my hair. I really want to go short with  my hair, but I want to lose weight first. I'm 8lb down now, its slowly coming off. Jabbed Saturday morning and haven't been ill off it this time so im happy. Don't know about you, but ive put the heating on, I think its gone cold. Ive not been too bad today, mentally speaking. Ive sat and thought about my dad and my son but I managed to snap myself out of it. Not a day goes by where I dont...

Ive been thinking alot today about the fact that I can't seem to accept that my father and son are both dead. Its like im having a nightmare i can't seem to wake up from. How has this happened? How did we make it to today, after everything? I know i need to accept their deaths, I just dont know how. It just doesn't seem real. Its hard to comprehend. I was meant be meeting my friends today but i cancelled. I'm just not in the mood to socialise. Saying that, I never am. I just force myself so I dont go insane. My friends make me feel normal for them few hours im with them. Its when im home alone, that's when the over thinking happens. I'm speaking out loud to dead people in the hopes that they hear me. I speak to 2 urns on a regular basis. Every likely im fucked in the head. I'm surrounded by death. I said before how ive got my dad's ashes in my bedroom and my sons ashes in the living room. I wouldnt have it any other way, and I know its not healthy, menta...

Decided not go Church tomorrow, i want to lie in. I know i should go but im choosing sleep. Before I was put on Olanzopine I suffered for years with insomnia. It was horrendous. I'd sleep for 3 hours then I'd be awake all night. It was literally driving me insane. I was losing my mind. Olanzopine literally saved my life. Anyway, ive showered today, done a load of washing and drying. Ive been to see my friend for a couple of hours, which was nice. There's 4 of us meeting up tomorrow for a catch up. I try to see them as much as I can because it keeps me from going insane. Ive just had a take away with the boys. We always have a take away on Saturday because Jasper sleeps over. Last night as I lay in bed, all I could think about was Jay-Dee. I didn't get sleep until after 12am. Couldn't switch off so im going bed early tonight. Its 10 to 8 now, ill be in bed for 9pm. How my Saturdays have changed. I'll go bed tonight and not wake up hungover. Thank you Jesus. Can...

Went to my appointment this morning at The Sutherland Center. I have a start date for Trauma Therapy,  it starts in 2 weeks. Its an 8 week course and its every Tuesday. Had to answer loads of questions about how im feeling. Told her I have suicidal thoughts most days, but have no intentions on killing myself because I can't leave my boys behind. I'm hoping after therapy I start to feel better about being alive. It should give me different coping mechanisms. Its group therapy, there'll be about 12 of us she said. Don't know how I feel about being in a group, but ill go and see if it helps. I'll try anything to get better. Jesse biked home on his own after school, he told me not to meet him and that 10 minutes it took for school to finish and Jesse get home was agonising. I was worried sick. Hes growing up too fast. My baby isn't a baby anymore. The world isn't like it was when I was growing up. We use to be out playing everywhere with our friends. These days ...

My days not been too bad, its good to be in a routine again. My minds been wondering today. Had my dad and son on my mind alot. I was thinking of how much life they both had left to live. Dying at the age of 55 and 21. It really is no age. I'm so glad the last thing Jay-Dee read from me was, I love you and stay safe in a text I sent on the Saturday. At 5:30am Sunday morning my son killed himself. It is literally killing me inside. I had 19 months with my dad fighting his terminal diagnosis, I was grieving from when my dad said terminal. I had alot of counselling with Dove Bereavement after losing my dad. I found it helped a bit and the reason I get through the days is because I know ill keep visiting different stages of grief and it will happen over and over again. So I know when im having a bad day, tomorrow, hopefully will be better. Keeps me going. That and the boys. Anyway, Jesse wants to start coming home alone in the afternoon. Ive given permission but this week we're doi...

Feel so much better today, woke up 3 minutes before my alarm was due to go off which annoyed me haha. Jesse's first day in year 5. Can't believe he's in year 5, my last baby. I went the cafe and saw all my friends and had a catch up and a cup of tea. Went Asda and did some shopping child free. It was bliss. Got back home and walked my dog. I'm doing ok. Jensen gets back home late tomorrow night. Can't wait see him, ive missed his face. I'm just drinking a Monster energy drink and then ill do some cleaning. Thank god I feel better today, yesterday was a bad day mentally. Seeing all the suicide posts on Facebook triggered me, but I made it through the day. I'm a bit tired so im contemplating a nap unless this energy drink gives me some energy. Can you believe its September already. This year has flown. I'm hoping now im back doing the school run I'll lose some weight with all the walking I'll be doing. Fingers crossed. Just weighed myself and the s...

Jesse's had himself a nice bath, ive washed his hair so he's all nice and clean for school tomorrow. Ive showered and washed my hair so im ready for tomorrow's 7am alarm. I'll be honest, ive had anxiety all day about Jesse going back school tomorrow. Don't know why, I know ill be fine. Jesse will be fine. Ive got this! September is national suicide prevention month. All ive seen today is posts about suicide. Its made Jay-Dees death come flooding back. Its been a hard day. I wish I could of saved my son. Why didn't he talk to me, he was my baby. Life is so hard. I wish I could of saved my child. My first baby, oh how I miss him so much. I'm devastated. Heartbroken. I dont know how to get through this. My father and my son, gone forever. I could cry. Jay-Dee would of been turning 23 on the 30th of this month. I am a broken woman. I'm consumed daily by grief,  its eating away at me like cancer, it breaks me daily. How am I still alive, I ask myself everyday...