September 29th Monday.

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I feel upset today. Ive brought Jay-Dee a birthday like i have done every year and i will carry on doing. Ive been talking to his urn and its heartbreaking. Talking to a wooden box instead of my child is the hardest thing in the world. I'm absolutely gutted that he's not here with me. He will be 23 tomorrow, but forever 21. You know what's hard? Watching Jensen grow up knowing Jay-Dee is only 11 months older than him. Seeing Jensen do things that Jay-Dee should be doing. I'll never understand why he took his own life and ive got to live with this pain forever. Why has life been this way? Why have I been chosen to fight so many battles? Life is hard. Didn't go the cafe this morning, just went Asda got my shopping and came home. Wasn't in the mood to socialise this morning. I did message my friends to say I wouldnt be there. I wish I could just lie in bed forever. Hate doing life. Even when im having a better day im still sad inside. Ive smiled and said morning to people on the school run and they wouldnt know im crying inside. People haven't got a clue how I really feel. I fake my smile everyday. Got my second session of trauma therapy tomorrow, on Jay-Dees birthday. Not looking forward to it but I need to go. I'm trying to find myself, but im unsure where to look. How do I find me again? I'm so lost. Not washed my hair in over a week because of the amount of hair I lose. I'm so depressed. I'm dreading tomorrow, I feel like shit today so god help me tomorrow. Ive just cleaned my bathroom, washed my dishes, done a wash that's now in the dryer. I'm trying to keep busy to occupy my mind. Anyway, Jasper has just turned up. Hes had an exam at college, he said it went well so that's good. Love having my children around. I just wish my dad and Jay-Dee were still alive.

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