September 11th Thursday.

Just been stood looking at my sons urn. At rest June 2nd aged 21 years, it says on top. I'm absolutely heartbroken. My son and my dad are both dead and I can't comprehend what's happened. Some days it really knocks the wind out of me. I'm tired today, drained. I could just climb into bed but its only 2pm. I miss my dad and son more than I could put into words.

I hate days like today where my mind goes on overdrive. I'm meant be meeting my friends later for a catch up but I really can't be bothered to go, so im going to cancel it. Just can't be bothered to sit with a fake smile on my face and drink tea. I'm not in the mood. On the plus side of things, tea is cooked already. Ive made a curry in the slow cooker, so just got do the rice and its done. Thank god. I'm meeting my sister tomorrow, her partner of 16 years has packed his bags and left her. Apparently he needs a break! You dont get to pack your things and have a break from your family. Makes me glad that im single. Life's so much easier and stress free. Really want a neck tattoo so ill let you know if I get one done. Can't wait for Jesse to get home from school, i miss his little face. Jensen met me in the cafe this morning and had a hot chocolate. Loved every minute of his company. Jasper will be here after college. I miss him too. My whole world revolves around my children and I wouldnt have it any other way. That's why it breaks my heart that Jay-Dee killed himself. Why would he leave me behind? It should of been me. Its me who wants to die, but im forced to keep living because my boys need me. I really am trying my best with life. I'm trying to get out more and socialise, but in all honesty, i just want to climb in bed and die there. I just want to see my dad and son again. My heart yearns for them both. I dont feel complete anymore. Part of me is missing. Losing my father and son has destroyed me. I dont know who I am anymore. I just exist. I'm just a mum and I know that should be enough, but im missing part of me. I'm lost. I feel like there's a massive hole inside of me. Some days I feel like ive been punched in my stomach. Grief is heavy! Jay-Dees birthday soon, he would be turning 23. Hes got a flower bed at the crem, Damian pays for it, and ill be going on his birthday to lay some flowers. That's all I can do. No sending him money or buying him gifts, instead ill be buying flowers for him. God life is hard work.