September 5th Friday.

Went to my appointment this morning at The Sutherland Center. I have a start date for Trauma Therapy,  it starts in 2 weeks. Its an 8 week course and its every Tuesday. Had to answer loads of questions about how im feeling. Told her I have suicidal thoughts most days, but have no intentions on killing myself because I can't leave my boys behind. I'm hoping after therapy I start to feel better about being alive. It should give me different coping mechanisms. Its group therapy, there'll be about 12 of us she said. Don't know how I feel about being in a group, but ill go and see if it helps. I'll try anything to get better. Jesse biked home on his own after school, he told me not to meet him and that 10 minutes it took for school to finish and Jesse get home was agonising. I was worried sick. Hes growing up too fast. My baby isn't a baby anymore. The world isn't like it was when I was growing up. We use to be out playing everywhere with our friends. These days its too dangerous. Its only 10 minutes for him to get home from school but I still worried about him. I worry even more since Jay-Dee passed away. I couldnt bare to lose another child. My brother came today for a few hours so that broke my day up. One of the questions this morning was, who do you have as a support network and I said my brother.  He does everything for me, he stepped up when Dad died. Hes the best brother. Anyway, I feel a bit sick today. My stomach is off and I dont know why. Ive just been walk the shop with all the boys and the dog and due know what, it was lovely all of us being together. Jay-Dee should still be here. I birthed 4 boys, but only have 3 with me. Its heartbreaking. Honestly my boys are what keep me going. I love being a mum of boys. I was so blessed to of birthed 4 beautiful boys. Its 10 past 8 at night and im ready climb into bed. Jesse keeps getting in my bed and due know what? I dont mind. All my boys have slept with me when they were younger. I love the cuddles. Can't wait have a lie in tomorrow.  It hasn't bothered me getting up early everyday, ive enjoyed being back on the school run I must say. Anyway, im going so goodnight.