September 20th Saturday.

One of Jay-Dees funeral songs came on my tiktok. The Smiths This Charming Man, it was Jay-Dees and his best mates Brad's song. Did I hear it for a reason? Is that Jay-Dees way of telling me he's ok? Ive just listened to it on my Spotify and my heart sank. I miss my child so much it kills me inside. I can't describe the pain I feel inside after losing one of my children. I never got to say goodbye and it makes me feel physically sick. You get a weird feeling in your stomach, its like youve been punched, but feel sick at the same time. My heart feels heavy, its like im carrying a weight around in my chest. Grief is heavy. We were going to go the crem today, but have you seen the weather? It's Jay-Dees birthday in 2 weeks, he should be turning 23, but instead of celebrating with him, ill be buying flowers for his flower bed. Thank god I have his ashes with me. I couldnt bare the thought of leaving him in a grave yard alone. Same with my dad, I have his ashes. They'll always be with me until I see them again. I hope i die before I get old. I dont want to wait forever to see them. God I miss them both so much. Why did life have to be this way? What did i do that was so wrong, that im being punished like this? Have to live with grief for the rest of my days on earth. How cruel!