September 15th Monday.

Started writing a blog last night but i was so drained I couldnt be bothered to even type. I deleted what I wrote. I was only saying how tired and depressed I was. I'm so fucking fed up. I'm so tired of being alive. Ive got no aspirations because im that depressed, I just wish i was dead. The only enjoyment I get out of life, is getting into bed at night. I wake up and I can't wait to go back bed. I know its because im desperate to see my dad and my son in my dreams. That's why I love being asleep. Plus its an escape from life. Not taken Jesse school today, i tried waking him up but he wouldnt wake up, so I climbed back into bed and went back sleep. Hes going tomorrow. I start Trauma Therapy next Tuesday. Don't know how i feel about group therapy, but im willing to give it a go. I'll try anything to get better. I am trying to live this life ive been given regardless of how hard the days are. Bet you're fed up of hearing me moan about life, and for that im sorry. I just hate being alive. I know its the depression and grief. I know some days are harder than others, but the bad days out weigh the good. Ive got a holiday booked for July 1st next year so ive got to get better. I want my boys to have a happy holiday. I'm already nervous about taking Jasper and Jesse on holiday on my own, but Jasper will be 18 by time we go, so im hoping he'll help me. We'll be fine, i need to stop over thinking. Anyway, here's to another day of hanging on by a thread. Bye.