September 19th Friday.

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Thought about Jay-Dee and my dad today, alot. Its consumed my day. Its consuming my life. I have the odd good day here and there, but the bad days out weigh the good. I'm hanging on by a thread. Thought about killing myself earlier, overdose to be precise. It was just a passing thought, I had no intentions in doing anything. I couldnt bare to leave my kids behind. Jensen has been crying thinking of Jay-Dee, ive hugged him and told him I love him. Today has been a shit day. We're going the crem tomorrow to lay some flowers on Jay-Dees flower bed. Life was never meant to be this way. I ask myself everyday, why did my son kill himself? Why did cancer take my father? I'm heartbroken. Why didn't my cancer kill me? Why and how am I still here today? How did i make it this far without killing myself? What is my purpose? Who am I? So many questions, zero answers. Just said to Jensen, life's shit and he said some times. Its shit for me all the time. I'm not enjoying being alive. I'm forcing myself to live a life I hate and its all for my boys. I dont think ill ever recover from losing my dad and son. I can't live like this for the rest of my life.

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