September 21st Sunday.

Didn't want to get up early, but i did. Went to Church. Love the singing, love the Sermon, just love being in church. Its like a safe place for me. I have anxiety about doing everything, except for going to Church. I know in my heart that my dad and son are in God's arms waiting for me. I get peace in my heart when I go to Church. It might not be for you, and that's absolutely fine. Trauma helped me find my faith and for that im grateful. I pray so much and I know people pray for me. My life hasn't been easy at all, Im fighting alcohol addiction, and I had cancer.. and yet somehow, im still here. Prayer. I believe in the power of prayer. Anyway, enough about Church. Ive been to see 2 of my friends for a few hours, had a nice catch up. Then Jensen came to pick me up save me getting a taxi home, bless his heart. Bloody love my boys I do. If only they knew I was only alive today because of them. They really are my reasons to live. I was thinking, what if one day my intrusive thoughts win? I'd hate to leave them behind. Just got to keep pushing through haven't I? On the bad days, i need to remember the better days. I dont have a choice but to live. Its nearly 5 years for my dad and ive got PTSD over his death, I couldnt put my kids through how im feeling. I couldnt bare for them to live a life they hate like I do. They've lost their brother, it would kill them to lose their mother. Ive lost my father and son, and lost myself along the way. I'm scared that ill be lost forever. On my better days it makes me happy because I think that im getting better and then on the bad days I can't see a future with me in it. I hate how im living, im in survival mode.