September 16th Tuesday.

Got up this morning and did the school run. I feel better today. Well I did feel better until I went on tiktok and heard one of Jay-Dees funeral songs. My heart sank. I know this will happen as I go through life, i know this, but it hurts. Ive brought smash burgers for tea. Sick of thinking everyday what do for tea. Its draining. I find being alive draining. I'm tired all the time, depression and grief are draining. I'm just doing some washing like usual. Going see if my friends want to come mine tomorrow evening, feel like i should see them more often. It does me good when ive seen them. I have to push myself to socialise so I dont become trapped in my own head. My head isn't a nice place to be. All I ever think about is my dad and son. I sat in the cafe this morning just watching my friends chat and laugh and I sat there and thought to myself, I dont fit into this life. I try to join in the conversation as much as I can, but once again, I have to force myself. I dont really talk much anymore. Losing my father and son has destroyed me. I'm fighting for a life I dont really want. I dont want to be here, im here for my children and that's it. I get no enjoyment out of being alive anymore. I wish my kids would say, mum we'll be fine without you. I'd happily kill myself. I try to snap myself out of how im feeling but its hard. God I could cry thinking about my life. I try to find something good out of each day, but there's nothing. The only thing that makes me happy is when I see my kids. I'll feel better after the school run when Jesse is home. Jasper will be here after college. Jensen is still in bed but he's got work soon. I wish I was working, work would occupy my mind, I just know im not mentally well enough to be working just yet. God I am determined to get better. One day ill write a happy blog, I pray.

I use to self tan every week, I haven't tanned since my dad died. I lost myself. So I ordered myself some Bondi Sands self tan and a tanning mitt. Ive tanned. It means I've got to get up early to shower it off, but ive just done a tan. I'm really trying to get me back and this is the first step in the right direction. I know its only something small, but a small step forward is better than nothing. Its made me feel a bit better about myself. Funny what a tan can do. Anyway, im just going to cook tea. Bye.