September 9th Tuesday.

You know, before I got sober I was a right piss head. I was drinking bottles of Jack Daniels daily. The drink would make me feel suicidal and more often than not, I'd take over doses or cut my wrists. My left arm is a right mess from years and years of self harm. I was depressed years before my dad's death, then he died and my world went even darker. After dad's death I started drinking morning and night. I was a full blown alcoholic. Everything changed for me the night I collected my dad's ashes and I nearly died. Finding out I was put on breathing equipment. It hit me that it wasn't my time to die. I believe my dad sent me back and after that night I promised myself I'd never try to take my own life again. Being sober means im strong enough to fight the dark days. In drink everything was so much harder to deal with. I'm over 3 and a half years sober now and im fighting the dark days and im winning. I'm still alive because I stopped drinking. I dont let the darkness consume me, i fight back. I'm just as shocked as you that I haven't hit the bottle after my son dying. Believe me, ive thought about it. There's days when I wake up and think about drinking. I miss it some times, but I know it will kill me if I drank. I'd kill me if I drank. The only reason I dont give in to my intrusive thoughts is because im sober and I can fight through them. Anyway, Jesse took himself to school this morning and I still went the school so I could go the cafe to my friends. Hes bringing himself home again tonight. Its like over the 6 week holidays he's grown up all of a sudden. My last baby is doing things for himself. I love my kids so much. I'm sat now clock watching, waiting for school to end and to see his little face. I can't wait go bed, i know i say it all the time, but i really love being asleep. It really is an escape from reality. Jasper's just arrived, he said he's enjoying college which is a massive relief. I mentioned before how he dropped out last year because Jay-Dee died, so im happy he's happy. Seeing my kids happy makes me happy.