September 7th Sunday.

Ive been thinking alot today about the fact that I can't seem to accept that my father and son are both dead. Its like im having a nightmare i can't seem to wake up from. How has this happened? How did we make it to today, after everything? I know i need to accept their deaths, I just dont know how. It just doesn't seem real. Its hard to comprehend. I was meant be meeting my friends today but i cancelled. I'm just not in the mood to socialise. Saying that, I never am. I just force myself so I dont go insane. My friends make me feel normal for them few hours im with them. Its when im home alone, that's when the over thinking happens. I'm speaking out loud to dead people in the hopes that they hear me. I speak to 2 urns on a regular basis. Every likely im fucked in the head. I'm surrounded by death. I said before how ive got my dad's ashes in my bedroom and my sons ashes in the living room. I wouldnt have it any other way, and I know its not healthy, mentally speaking, but they will stay with me forever. So ive got to learn to live with it haven't I? Some days i feel like im losing my mind with everything that's happened,  it drives me insane. I do hope my dad and son hear me when I talk to them. I'd like to think they do. Life is hard work. I just want to get into bed. I want to be asleep. My escape from reality. Anyway, Jesse went out with Damian a few hours ago so im waiting for him to come home then ill get in bed.