September 1st Monday.

Jesse's had himself a nice bath, ive washed his hair so he's all nice and clean for school tomorrow. Ive showered and washed my hair so im ready for tomorrow's 7am alarm. I'll be honest, ive had anxiety all day about Jesse going back school tomorrow. Don't know why, I know ill be fine. Jesse will be fine. Ive got this! September is national suicide prevention month. All ive seen today is posts about suicide. Its made Jay-Dees death come flooding back. Its been a hard day. I wish I could of saved my son. Why didn't he talk to me, he was my baby. Life is so hard. I wish I could of saved my child. My first baby, oh how I miss him so much. I'm devastated. Heartbroken. I dont know how to get through this. My father and my son, gone forever. I could cry. Jay-Dee would of been turning 23 on the 30th of this month. I am a broken woman. I'm consumed daily by grief,  its eating away at me like cancer, it breaks me daily. How am I still alive, I ask myself everyday. How am I getting through the days? I go to bed every night and hope i pass away in my sleep. Depression is killing me slowly. The medication just keeps my head above water. I'm not thriving. I'm in survival mode. It really is me v me. Only I can make myself better, im just not sure how. I'll keep pushing through each day and remind myself that God has a plan. Ive just got to keep going and ill do it for my boys. I just can't leave my boys with no mum, it would destroy them. So, I have no choice but to keep waking up everyday;