September 24th Wednesday.

Got really bad tooth ache, a tooth on my left hand side is killing me, ive just had some paracetamol. Got a dentist appointment for the 8th of next month. Let's hope I can go that long with this tooth. Its affecting the left hand side of my face. Oh well, anyway, I went Hanley this morning to meet my sister. I got a taxi there and I was absolutely fine. I'm so proud of myself for getting up everyday and living this life. As much as I wish I was dead, im trying my best to stay alive. Days like today give me hope. Ive thought about my dad and Jay-Dee today, like I do everyday. That will never change for as long as i live. I'm just trying to carry grief better. Some days its heavy and weighs me down, and some days I carry it with me as I go about my day. The bad days out weigh the good, but im hoping that will change as time goes on. I'm going in the right direction, im medicated and now im having therapy sessions. I really am trying to stay alive. This god damn tooth is killing me. I feel ok today, did me good to meet up with my sister, its been forever since ive seen her. We speak everyday but dont see each other alot. Losing my dad and son has changed my life, can't describe it, but its changed me as a person. I dont drink any more, i go to church on a Sunday. I hope my dad and son are proud of me. My dad was my drinking partner and now he's gone I just dont see the point anymore. I was thinking about drinking again the other day and I thought to myself how it use to make me feel. Angry or depressed. Waking up and having a drink. Spending my weekends in bed ordering food. Wanting to die, I know I still do, but now I can control those intrusive thoughts. I'm not acting out on them unlike when I was drunk. I'm a recovering alcoholic and I dont mind saying that. I'm proud of how far ive come.