September 3rd Wednesday.

My days not been too bad, its good to be in a routine again. My minds been wondering today. Had my dad and son on my mind alot. I was thinking of how much life they both had left to live. Dying at the age of 55 and 21. It really is no age. I'm so glad the last thing Jay-Dee read from me was, I love you and stay safe in a text I sent on the Saturday. At 5:30am Sunday morning my son killed himself. It is literally killing me inside. I had 19 months with my dad fighting his terminal diagnosis, I was grieving from when my dad said terminal. I had alot of counselling with Dove Bereavement after losing my dad. I found it helped a bit and the reason I get through the days is because I know ill keep visiting different stages of grief and it will happen over and over again. So I know when im having a bad day, tomorrow, hopefully will be better. Keeps me going. That and the boys. Anyway, Jesse wants to start coming home alone in the afternoon. Ive given permission but this week we're doing it where everyday I move further away from the school and he meets me. Eventually I won't go meet him, does that make sense? Hes on his bike so he should be home pretty fast. Its going kill me letting him grow up. The world isnt safe. He said he'll take himself in the morning and ive said no, can't do both ways yet. Hes growing up too fast. Breaks my heart that my babies aren't babies anymore. This is why ive got to get better or when the kids are all gone, ill be stuck in this house alone. Oh it doesn't bare thinking about. Jasper starts back college tomorrow, hope he goes on ok. He dropped out of college last year because Jay-Dee died, so im hoping he's ok. Jensen is in London, he'll be back in late tonight. Can't wait see him tomorrow. I know he's brought me a ring which im excited about. Hope it fits me. I'll send a pic tomorrow. Ive got an appointment with my psychiatrist Friday morning, i think its an introduction for the Trauma Therapy, I could be wrong but ill let you know how it goes. Anyway, that's my day.