Cancer, Depression and Me.

Today is a hard day, my first born child, turns 22 in heaven. I am heartbroken beyond repair. My heart aches for my child. What id give to see his beautiful face just one more time. Had to force myself go the gym today, I just wanted to curl up in a ball and sleep the day away. Do I feel better for going the gym? Absoloutely not, but I went anyway. Jasper has come home from college after an hour because hes too upset to be there. It is a shit day for us all! I woke up this morning, I sat on my bed and was in two minds whether take Jesse school or not, but I got up and took him. Wouldnt be fair for him to sit at home and watch us all be sad. Hes better off in school. Proud of myself really for getting up and taking him, and then going the gym. Ive been the shops for stuff for tea and ive decided cook a chilli, Jay-Dees favourite so only seemed right to cook it. I havent really got much to talk about today, I feel a bit numb. I dont feel myself today, just wish it was bedtime already. It...

Sundays are a hard day for me, my son passed away on a Sunday and so did my father. Ive been the shops today to buy a cake and candles for my son in the stars. He should of been turning 22 tomorrow. I plan on going the gym in the morning, to try and ease the pain ill be feeling inside. His first birthday without him here is going to be hard, I already know this. He had so much more life ahead of him. Its just tragic that hes no longer here. I feel deflated today, im tired of life. Didnt go Church today, I slept till 11am. I must of needed the sleep. My son Jensen cooked me dinner today, the first time any of my kids have ever cooked for me, which was nice. We had bagels with bacon, eggs and cheese, but minus the bacon for me as im vegetarian. I have been for some years now. I just went off meat, the smell repulses me. Jesse is out with Damian, he goes every Sunday on different adventures and ive cooked a spag bol for tea. Going try get back to calorie counting tomorrow, try shift some ...

Recieved my sons death certificate today. 17 weeks ago tomorrow, my son killed himself. I feel sick to my stomach that I have a death certificate for my child. I cant even put into words how much my heart aches. I have a silent scream inside of me, that only I can hear. I still find it hard to believe that ill never see my son again. Did I tell you, we have his belongings back too. I can never remember what I blog about. I feel some comfort knowing we finally have his things back home. But to have a death certificate for a child is hands down the worst possible thing in my life. Life can not get any worse for me after losing a child. Its Jay-Dees birthday in 2 days and I feel sick thinking about it. Life was never meant to be this way. This is the worst thing that could possibly happen to me. How have I made it through the last 17 weeks? How am I still here? How have I not hit the bottle? Dont get me wrong, ive had a few days where all ive thought about is alcohol, but ive not caved o...

You know, if it wasnt for my brother ringing and checking on me all the time, then visiting me every friday, id be a bit lost without him. His support means the world to me, I dont tell him enough that I appreciate him. I see my sister now and again, I speak to her nearly everyday via messages, but we dont see much of each other because she works nights. I get a message off my mum now and again, asking the same question, every damn time.. am I ok? No mum, my fucking son has died. Thats what I feel like saying, but instead I tell her im doing ok. Its Jay-Dees birthday on Monday, he should be turning 22. Im going to try and be happy and celebrate his birthday, but lets be honest, im a cryer now so chances are I will cry. I tell him I love him everyday, in the hopes he can hear me. Jensen, Jasper and Jesse-John are what keep me going everyday. Without my kids I wouldnt be here. Was meant go the gym this morning, but I really couldnt be bothered today. Didnt end up going yesterday either. ...

Our sons inquest is complete and we can collect his belongings from Liverpool. Damian has gone to collect his things. I cant wait to just hold his belongings. Life is so hard. My son should still be here with me. Feel a bit deflated today. I guess when weve got his things back, its some sort of closure at least. Anyway, ive done the school run, then taken my dog out for a walk. Sick of thinking everyday, what to do for tea. Are you the same? You get sick of thinking everyday what to cook. Think ill get a take away tonight, I really cant be bothered to cook. I might go the gym later, I dunno. Not really sure how I feel today. Knocked me a bit sick knowing we get Jay-Dees things back today. Im sad today. Saying that, im sad every day who am I kidding! Since ive been on a higher dose of Olanzopine, the suicidal thoughts arent as bad, so thats a plus isnt it? God, life is hard work!! My dryer is on its way out, one minute it spins, the next its smoking. Fucking great! I could just scream o...

Went to the gym this morning and then attended a bereavement course. 2 hours a week on a Wednesday for 7 weeks. Think it's going take more than 7 weeks to fix my grief. I don't think I'll ever not be grieving. I've lost 2 people that mean the absolute world to me. I don't know how you get better after such tragedy.  On the course I told them, how guilty I feel over my sons death, how I'm beating myself up thinking, could I of done more? I also told them, that I know this is a stage of grief and its good that I recognise that. I had counselling with Dove Bereavement after the death of my father and I took so much away from it, so I'm hoping this new bereavement course I'm doing now, helps. I'm hoping to come away from the 7 week course feeling better, or at least a tiny bit better.  Can't hurt to try can it? Of course I've broke my heart today talking about my dad and son. I'm definitely a cryer. Feels good to cry and just let it all out. ...

You know what's upsetting? It's that my son only had a sober mum for 2 and a half years. Why didn't I get sober sooner! I keep thinking, I should of been a better mum, but I bent over backwards for my kids. I do anything and everything for them. Even when I was drinking, my kids were always fed and clean. I dunno, I'm just beating myself up over my sons death. Could I of done more? Why didn't I message him early hours checking he was ok? I feel like it's my fault my son died. It can't be easy having a mentally ill mum. I wish I could turn back the clock and have my boy home. If I'd of known what would happen, I'd of stopped him going to that rave. I'd of hugged him tight and never let him go. I would of asked him if he was ok. I've always told my boys I love them, I always have. But I never asked how he was feeling and that kills me inside. Was it the drugs or was he depressed? I have to keep telling myself it was the drugs because the though...

Been the gym this morning, this is my 3rd week and I've been to 8 gym sessions.  I'm aching so it means it's working. Someone at school said they don't know how I'm coping and to be honest, nor do I. I don't know how I'm getting through each day. They said they were proud of me for not drinking and that meant the world to me. Then I just went emotional and cried. Grief is sneaky isn't it. I've been fine all day, and then boom, someone comments on how I'm coping and I just cry. Grief is tiring, my sole is tired. I'm still grieving my dad's death and now I'm grieving for my son. I didn't think life could get any worse after the death of my father, how wrong was I. Losing a parent is hard and I mean hard, but to then lose a child, I can't even put into words how hard it hits. I feel numb daily, some days I sit and expect my son to come walking through the door after work, but he never does. I miss the little things like washing a...

Got up early today and I attended Church. I absolutely love going to Church, I know it's not for everyone, but it's definitely for me. The peace inside my head and my heart I feel when I walk through them doors, is immense. I love singing along to the songs, I love hearing stories from the bible but most of all, I love how I have a Church family. I've been going to church for a few years now. I'm sang in 2 Christmas choirs and I plan on doing it this year too. I love singing. I walked into church about 3 years ago when I was in a really bad way mentally and I felt instantly eased of the pain I was in. It wasn't long after that I was put on Olanzopine along with the day time medication I take. I think Olanzopine and Church saved my life. When I'm having a hard day, I pray for strength to carry on, and I'm still here so I believe my prayers get answered. Anyway, I went the shop after Church to get some snacks and pop. Got home and walked my dog and now I'm...

I know ive not blogged for a few days, I just havent felt upto typing. Everyday is hard work, a constant battle to feel better. Ive been going the gym, nipping the shops, doing the school run and then yesterday I went the crem to see my sons flower bed and plaque. I cried, which I knew I would. Jensen took myself and Jasper and it was the first time seeing it. It looked beautiful. But my heart aches every day. Life was never meant to be this way. My child shouldnt be dead! The increase in Olanzopine is helping, the suicidal thoughts arent as bad as they were so thats something positive. Dont get me wrong, I welcome death, but im not thinking of killing myself today. But I wouldnt complain if it just happened. God life is so hard. It takes all of my energy just to survive another day. Surely God can see im tired? Surely ive got be due something good in life, something has got to give. Im so glad we didnt have Jay-Dee buried because I couldnt bare to leave him in a cemetary on his own. ...

Been the gym today with my son Jasper, he doesnt go the same gym as me, but he decided to get a day pass so he could work out with me for an hour. Ive said it before but ill say it again, im so lucky my boys want to do things with me as they get older. Its weird because I thought when they got older they wouldnt do things with me, but im a very lucky mum. My boys really are the reason I cant kill myself. Losing their brother is bad enough without losing me too. The only thing that keeps me going is my children. I long to see Jay-Dee but I know I never will again, until its my turn to die. Its hard you know, losing a child is so fucking hard. Im going to spend the rest of my life missing my son, but I know his brothers will keep me going. The gym is really helping me mentally, even if I only go for an hour, it does me the world of good. Gives me something else to focus on besides my dead child. My son is always going to be on my mind, like I said before, ive just got to try and live a l...

I've been the gym alone this morning, doing things alone is a massive thing for me because my anxiety is so bad some days. My arms were still hurting from Friday, but I pushed through and did more weights. I did so well last week with my diet and then I ruined it Saturday and Sunday because I'm a pig. But anyway, it's the start of a new week so back to the calorie counting.  I'm always going to feel sadness but I'm trying my best to do life, regardless of how I'm feeling. Life really is shit isn't it?! After going the cinema yesterday to watch the new Beetlejuice with Jensen, last night I watched the original Beetlejuice with Jasper. God I love my kids. Thankful I had Jay-Dee for 21 years. It will be Jay-Dees 22nd birthday on the 30th of this month,  I'm dreading it. Its going to be a hard day. He had so much more life ahead of him, my heart aches. What I'd give to hear his voice and see his face. He still hasn't visited me in a dream yet and tha...

It's been 15 weeks since I lost my child. Can honestly say, it isn't getting easier. I miss him so much. I've been to the cinema today with Jensen to watch the new Beetlejuice.  It was brilliant, took me back to my childhood watching the original.  Then he treated me to a McDonald's (back on the diet tomorrow). I absolutely LOVE spending time with my children and I feel blessed that they actually want to do things with me. Jay-Dees death has brought us closer as a family. Oh, my heart hearts. I'm filled with so much love and so much sadness all at the same time. Every likely my head is a mess. My emotions are all over the place. We're back from the cinema now and I'm sat alone, feeling sad. Jesse's out having fun with Damian, Jasper is online with Jensen and as I sit alone, it hits you all over again, that one of my children is dead. I fucking hate life!  I can't wait go the gym in the morning, take my mind off everything.  You know, I came down thro...

15 weeks ago today, my son walked out of the house and travelled to Liverpool to go to a rave. That was the last I saw of my son until I saw him in the Chapel Of Rest.  Seeing him in the Chapel Of Rest will haunt me until I die. Seeing my first born child, my son, dead in a coffin, that image will never leave me. I know that for certain. 15 weeks of hanging on by a thread. 15 weeks of tears and heartache.  15 weeks without my child. I think of him every minute of every day. Honestly, grief  consumes every part of your body. I'm not sure how I'm still functioning. The world is passing me by and I'm stuck in grief. I know I'm having a bad day and I know this will pass. I have to appreciate the good days I have because they don't last long. My brother came to visit last night and I found myself actually enjoying his conversations, I even laughed a few times and then today I'm filled with sadness about laughing. I know it's normal to feel this way but it doesn...

Should of gone the gym again today, its the only thing ive found that relaxes my mind but Monday, Wednesday and Friday are enough for now. So what have I done today? I went Asda this morning to get ready meals for tea because I dont feel upto cooking today. I took my dog out for a walk and then I spent the rest of the day thinking about my son. Ive just been collect Jesse from school and the heavens opened up.. typical! Always rains on the school run, with having 4 boys youd think id be used to walking in the rain but I still despise the school run. Saying that, I know ill miss it when Jesse goes to high school. Jesses in year 4 now so only a couple more years left. Time really does go fast! Started my higher does of medication last night so im hoping I start to see an improvment in my mental health. We're on the road to recovery and im excited to get better. I dont want to die today, I mean, if it happened I wouldnt complain, but today, im doing ok. I tell myself that im always go...

So you all know im pretty house bound some days because of my anxiety, well today I went to the gym alone. My friends son is poorly she couldnt come with me today, so last night I told myself over and over to put my gym clothes on in the morning and go to the gym. So thats what I did, woke up and got ready for the gym. I took Jesse school, came back, took my dog for a walk and then I went the gym alone. Im so proud of myself, it took me all that I am to have the strength to go on my own, but I did it! And even though my son is on my mind 24/7 I managed to do an hours workout. My son Jensen took me to get my medication today, so from tonight ill be on 15mg of Olanzopine instead of the 10mg. Lets hope theres an improvement in my mental health. Im on day 3 of calorie counting and its going really well, but then again it is only day 3.. I really am trying to get better mentally. I cant just rely on the medication, ive got to force myself to do things too. Real hope I can stick to this heal...

It's national suicide prevention day today and my heart aches. I'll never understand why he did it, I just know that I'm heartbroken beyond repair.  My beautiful son took his own life and I'll never understand why. Saying that, I'm suicidal myself so I know how hard them intrusive thoughts can be. I get through it I guess by blogging about my mental health. It wouldn't be a shock to anyone if I was to die because people know how depressed I am. Suicide isn't selfish,  what's selfish is expecting someone to live in a body that just wants to die.  I miss my son everyday, every minute of the day I think about my child, and the only comfort I get is knowing he's with my dad and he's not alone. I can't wait to see my dad and son again one day.

So I went the gym this morning after a few of us met at the cafe for an hour. You know what, I really had to push myself because I had zero motivation, and it did me the world of good. We only did an hour but its better than nothing. I went Asda and got myself some Avocado and crisp bread and fresh lemon to squirt on top for my tea and it was lovely. Day 1 of trying to get healthy, mentally and physically. I really hope I stick to it. How am I feeling? Im not doing to bad today, I've had a few moments where I've felt sad but I've pushed through. The days go quicker when Jesse is in school, which is good. I've done my usual chores, a load of washing, endless dishes that accumulate, but most importantly, I survived another day and that's the goal everyday. Just gotta keep pushing through even on them dark days.

Sundays are so hard to deal with at the moment, it's 14 weeks since I lost my child. I'm sure at some point it will become easier, I've just got to grieve. How have I made it through the last 14 weeks? I honestly have no clue, but I have and that's the main thing. I saw something earlier that said 16 Fridays left until Christmas and my heart sank. I don't even want to celebrate Christmas without my son but I know ill have to. The end of this month my son would of been turning 22, he had so much more life ahead of him. It's just heartbreaking.  I start the gym tomorrow and if I'm honest I'm feeling a bit anxious about going. I'm going push myself to go because I know it will do me the world of good. I'm hoping I get into and continue going. I've just got no motivation at the moment.  We're getting a plaque put up for Jay-Dee at the Crematorium. Somewhere people can go for some comfort. I have his ashes with me, and he'll always stay wi...

Spent the past few days feeling lost, im so sad and misserable. I tried my gym leggings on this morning and they still fit, so thats a plus I guess. I start the gym Monday, I feel a bit anxious about it but I know it will be good for my mental health! Im going try calorie counting from Monday and just try to eat better in general. I need to start cooking more and im going to try my best. Its just so hard somedays to feel any sort of motivation. It will be 14 weeks tomorrow since I lost my first born son, it hurts every single day, I wake up and he is still gone. Ive been taking my dog out for walks more and its doing me good. If im honest, ive been trying my best with life. Im trying to do more than I was to help myself get better. I really have to push my self somedays to even get dressed. I feel better now Jesses back at school, last week went so fast. Im wishing my days away, I dont even want to participate in life if im honest but I have to. Jensen got back from Colombia yesterday,...

Another blog about how fucking depressed I am. Another day of hanging on by a thread. Another day closer to seeing my son. You watch me live until I'm in my 80s. God that sounds like torture. So what have I done today? Same as every other day, wake up, do the school run, try and be happy at school so know one knows I'm secretly falling apart, I cook tea, I bath my son and I go to bed hoping I don't wake up the next morning. But I just keep showing up the next day. I hope I start to feel better when I'm on the higher dose of Olanzopine. Hopefully the prescription will be within the next week. I'm just desperate to feel better. I'm praying that one day I feel better. Life has been so cruel to me the past few years but I'm still here and I don't know how or why. I don't know what my purpose is. I've clearly got one because I just won't die! But seriously, why am I still showing up everyday? I know, I've got 3 other children that need me. It...

Spoke to my psychiatrist today, broke my heart telling her about the death of my child. Told her how suicidal I am, shes decided to increase my Olazopine and have regular contact with me. Im praying the increase in medication works. You never know, one day I might write a happy blog. We can hope cant we? Anyway, after school this morning, I sat in the cafe and chatted to my friends for a while, it does me the world of good seeing them. I then went to Asda, got home and walked my dog. Cooked jacket potatos for tea with butter, cheese and beans.. absoloutely love a jacket potato. Anyway the point of telling you all that is because it makes me realise, I am kind of living arent I? Im doing more than I was, the sad thing is that in a few days I could be suicidal again. Im having a better day, even though I cried today, I feel stronger mentally. As much as I dont want to be here, I am here and im doing life! Im proud of me you know, the amount of times I battle with intrusive thoughts, and ...

So Jesse went back to school today, after the 6 week holidays. The days went by so slowly, yet so fast at the same time. Weird. I joined PureGym this morning and I start next Monday with my friend. I walked my dog today, it's not alot, but I'm doing bits. I made pasta for tea, can't remember the last time I made something other than air fryer meals. God I've been so depressed.  I also washed my hair today. Today is a better day, yet I sit typing this filled with sadness.  I don't want to live like this anymore, but I don't know how to get better. I don't know what I'm meant to do to get better mentally. I sat in the cafe this morning chatting with my friend and the whole time I felt dead inside. Imagine if you do a big exhale and keep exhaling till you can't anymore, that feeling you can feel in the pit of your stomach, that is how I feel daily. Its like life left my body, there's nothing inside of me anymore.  Today was a better day but I still ...

Here we go again, Monday. A brand new week of hanging on by a fucking thread! I feel a bit run down today, ive a massive spot on my head that looks like ive been shot, if only.. I dunno, I just feel a bit lost in life. I cant quite figure out where, or even if I fit in to this life. Oh everyday is a struggle, im just fed up of feeling the way I do. Jesse goes back to school tomorrow so im hoping life becomes a bit more bareable. My friend has asked me to join the gym with her next week, the gym could be good for the old mental health I guess, so why not. Cleaned my bathroom today, looking around my house I can see ive let my house and myself go. The past few days ive been doing bits of cleaning in each room to try and get back on top of things. Im just taking things day by day. When you get the urge to kill yourself on a daily, cleaning isnt at the top of my mind, surving is and if thats all I do some days, I know thats ok. Im not looking forward to my 7am alarm tomorrow but I am looki...

I went out for food yesterday with Jasper, it was lovely having quality time with him. Today has been shit, it's a Sunday and I hate Sundays. Its been 13 weeks since my son died and the days are getting worse, not better. I felt ok yesterday and today I feel like shit.  This is the problem with my mental health, I can be ok for a day or 2 and then I'm back to fighting suicidal thoughts. It's 9pm now and I made it through another day. How wonderful.  I haven't really got anything to say, I never have anymore. Oh, I'm still sober. Over 2 & a half years of sobriety.  Pretty amazing you'd think. It's absolute torture, just lately all I can think about is alcohol. How I've not hit the bottle after losing a child ill never know. Getting my strength from above I'm sure of it. God I'd do anything to see my father and child just one more time, but I know it's not possible. I've just got to keep waking up everyday until its my time to die. What...