September 27th Friday.

You know, if it wasnt for my brother ringing and checking on me all the time, then visiting me every friday, id be a bit lost without him. His support means the world to me, I dont tell him enough that I appreciate him. I see my sister now and again, I speak to her nearly everyday via messages, but we dont see much of each other because she works nights. I get a message off my mum now and again, asking the same question, every damn time.. am I ok? No mum, my fucking son has died. Thats what I feel like saying, but instead I tell her im doing ok. Its Jay-Dees birthday on Monday, he should be turning 22. Im going to try and be happy and celebrate his birthday, but lets be honest, im a cryer now so chances are I will cry. I tell him I love him everyday, in the hopes he can hear me. Jensen, Jasper and Jesse-John are what keep me going everyday. Without my kids I wouldnt be here. Was meant go the gym this morning, but I really couldnt be bothered today. Didnt end up going yesterday either. Some days I just have to focus on getting through the day. The gym can wait till Monday. Took Jesse get his hair cut after school yesterday, hes got his school photos today. I said show me your smile for your photos, and he showed me the biggest smile. Hes such a beautiful caring little soul. Im so proud of all my boys, I definitely did something right because I have polite, hard working boys. I was definitely meant to be a boy mum, they are my entire world and the reason im still alive. Losing my son has made me paranoid that ill lose another child. I know thats normal but I still worry. I dont think I can take any more deaths. Honestly, another death could tip me over the edge. Cant wait to get Jesse from school, he comes out of his doors and some times I asked him for a hug. He wraps his little arms around me and im filled with love. Im doing ok today, still sad, but im ok.