September 28th 2024

Recieved my sons death certificate today. 17 weeks ago tomorrow, my son killed himself. I feel sick to my stomach that I have a death certificate for my child. I cant even put into words how much my heart aches. I have a silent scream inside of me, that only I can hear. I still find it hard to believe that ill never see my son again. Did I tell you, we have his belongings back too. I can never remember what I blog about. I feel some comfort knowing we finally have his things back home. But to have a death certificate for a child is hands down the worst possible thing in my life. Life can not get any worse for me after losing a child. Its Jay-Dees birthday in 2 days and I feel sick thinking about it. Life was never meant to be this way. This is the worst thing that could possibly happen to me. How have I made it through the last 17 weeks? How am I still here? How have I not hit the bottle? Dont get me wrong, ive had a few days where all ive thought about is alcohol, but ive not caved once. Jay-Dee wouldnt want me drinking and nor would my other boys. My children are the key factor of my existance. Jasper made a comment the other day that hit me hard, he said, if I were to die, it would be game over for him. He said hed kill himself if I did and that hit me so hard. I will fight my depression every single day for my children. Ive always been open with my children, they are aware of my mental health and theyre are just so understanding. I really did do a good job at raising my boys right. Theyre so loving and caring. I really was blessed to be a mum of 4 boys. Anyway, regardless of how I feel, Ive still got to be a mum.