September 17th Tuesday.

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Been the gym today with my son Jasper, he doesnt go the same gym as me, but he decided to get a day pass so he could work out with me for an hour. Ive said it before but ill say it again, im so lucky my boys want to do things with me as they get older. Its weird because I thought when they got older they wouldnt do things with me, but im a very lucky mum. My boys really are the reason I cant kill myself. Losing their brother is bad enough without losing me too. The only thing that keeps me going is my children. I long to see Jay-Dee but I know I never will again, until its my turn to die. Its hard you know, losing a child is so fucking hard. Im going to spend the rest of my life missing my son, but I know his brothers will keep me going. The gym is really helping me mentally, even if I only go for an hour, it does me the world of good. Gives me something else to focus on besides my dead child. My son is always going to be on my mind, like I said before, ive just got to try and live a life around the grief. One day I hope to be blogging about my happiness, can you imagine that. Ive been blogging for 3 and a half years about how unhappy I am, surely after 3 and a half years id be happy, and I was just starting to get better and then my son went and killed himself. Basically what im saying is, it is possible to get better mentally, I just know its going to take some years and that makes me feel sad. What if I dont have years left to live? I mean, know one knows when their time is up do they? All I keep thinking is, lets try make it for Christmas. Ill be 41 after Christmas and all I can think is, how have I made it through the years? How am I still here after everything life has thrown at me? My dad dying at 55 years old, hit me hard! Then my cancer, thrown into the Menopause, and now my son is dead. Give me a fucking break life!! You know what makes me sad? Its that Jay-Dee only had a sober mum for 2 and a half years. Alcohol consumed my life and its only now im sober I realise that. I wish id of gotten sober sooner! But, no point dwelling on things I can not change. Im sober now and thats the main thing. Im sad today, but im ok..

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