September 21st 2024 Saturday.

I know ive not blogged for a few days, I just havent felt upto typing. Everyday is hard work, a constant battle to feel better. Ive been going the gym, nipping the shops, doing the school run and then yesterday I went the crem to see my sons flower bed and plaque. I cried, which I knew I would. Jensen took myself and Jasper and it was the first time seeing it. It looked beautiful. But my heart aches every day. Life was never meant to be this way. My child shouldnt be dead! The increase in Olanzopine is helping, the suicidal thoughts arent as bad as they were so thats something positive. Dont get me wrong, I welcome death, but im not thinking of killing myself today. But I wouldnt complain if it just happened. God life is so hard. It takes all of my energy just to survive another day. Surely God can see im tired? Surely ive got be due something good in life, something has got to give. Im so glad we didnt have Jay-Dee buried because I couldnt bare to leave him in a cemetary on his own. His ashes are with me at home and thats where he will always stay. With his mum. Ive got to try and live a life without my child, I dont want to, but I know I have to. Ive said it before, but the weekends are so hard. My son left on the Saturday and killed himself Sunday morning around 5:30am. That morning the policeman knocked on my door will haunt me forever. Because I know how he died, I picture it in my mind. Its torture. Absoloute torture. It will be 4 months tomorrow since my son died. 4 months of heartache. How have I made it through these last 4 months? How have I not hit the bottle? What would I achieve from drinking though? Nothing. I know it would make me feel 10 times worse and thats what keeps me sober. Not going lie, 2 and a half years on and I still crave alcohol some days. Like today for instance. I could murder a drink, but I wont. I pray for strength and its not failing me yet so ill keep on praying.