September 24th Tuesday.

You know what's upsetting?

It's that my son only had a sober mum for 2 and a half years.

Why didn't I get sober sooner!

I keep thinking, I should of been a better mum, but I bent over backwards for my kids. I do anything and everything for them. Even when I was drinking, my kids were always fed and clean.

I dunno, I'm just beating myself up over my sons death.

Could I of done more?

Why didn't I message him early hours checking he was ok?

I feel like it's my fault my son died.

It can't be easy having a mentally ill mum.

I wish I could turn back the clock and have my boy home. If I'd of known what would happen, I'd of stopped him going to that rave. I'd of hugged him tight and never let him go.

I would of asked him if he was ok. I've always told my boys I love them, I always have. But I never asked how he was feeling and that kills me inside.

Was it the drugs or was he depressed?

I have to keep telling myself it was the drugs because the thought of my son fighting depression secretly, destroys my sole. 

His death certificate says died from multiple injuries caused by MDMA and Ketamine. I honestly feel sick inside as I type.

I've had a cry today not like that's anything new. I've become a cryer. I just cry throughout the day.

Will I ever come to terms with my sons death? Absolutely not. But I am going to try and live with this grief that's consuming me.

Today is a shit day.