September 4th Wednesday.

Spoke to my psychiatrist today, broke my heart telling her about the death of my child. Told her how suicidal I am, shes decided to increase my Olazopine and have regular contact with me. Im praying the increase in medication works. You never know, one day I might write a happy blog. We can hope cant we? Anyway, after school this morning, I sat in the cafe and chatted to my friends for a while, it does me the world of good seeing them. I then went to Asda, got home and walked my dog. Cooked jacket potatos for tea with butter, cheese and beans.. absoloutely love a jacket potato. Anyway the point of telling you all that is because it makes me realise, I am kind of living arent I? Im doing more than I was, the sad thing is that in a few days I could be suicidal again. Im having a better day, even though I cried today, I feel stronger mentally. As much as I dont want to be here, I am here and im doing life! Im proud of me you know, the amount of times I battle with intrusive thoughts, and im still alive fighting depression. I always hoped my blog would reach people who are struggling like me, I know im not alone in this world with how im struggling mentally, and thats what I have to remind myself everyday. Im not alone in this world. How im still sober, I honestly dont know. The amount of times ive thought about drinking since the death of my son is unreal. Its just an added thing im battling with. You know what keeps me sober? Its knowing that if I have a drink of alcohol, I wont be able to fight my demons. I know in drink, im weak and id of killed myself already. To stay sober, is to stay alive.