September 5th Thursday

Another blog about how fucking depressed I am.

Another day of hanging on by a thread.

Another day closer to seeing my son.

You watch me live until I'm in my 80s. God that sounds like torture.

So what have I done today? Same as every other day, wake up, do the school run, try and be happy at school so know one knows I'm secretly falling apart, I cook tea, I bath my son and I go to bed hoping I don't wake up the next morning. But I just keep showing up the next day.

I hope I start to feel better when I'm on the higher dose of Olanzopine. Hopefully the prescription will be within the next week. I'm just desperate to feel better. I'm praying that one day I feel better.

Life has been so cruel to me the past few years but I'm still here and I don't know how or why. I don't know what my purpose is. I've clearly got one because I just won't die! But seriously, why am I still showing up everyday?

I know, I've got 3 other children that need me. It's a shame though that my boys don't have a happy mum, they know how depressed I am because I'm very open with my kids and they know how much I've been struggling. 

I remember Jensen sitting in my room one night and wouldn't leave because I was that suicidal. If you think about it, its not fair them having a depressed mum but I guess they'd rather that than a dead mum.

I'm going to get better, I'm just not sure how. 

I cried telling Jensen that I was already struggling with my dad's death and then my son dies. I told him I don't think I can come back from this. It broke my heart.

And after everything that's happened, my dad dying age 55, my cancer and then my sons death, you've got to ask yourself.. how is she/me still alive because that's alot of trauma in a small space of time.

I'm on HRT because cancer forced me into the Menopause,  ever likely I've lost my fucking mind. 

I've lost my identity along with my mind, but I've got to keep showing up everyday because my death would destroy my kids and I just can't do it to them.