Cancer, Depression and Me.

It's been 4 weeks since my beautiful boy passed away and it's his funeral tomorrow.. How do I feel? Numb. Numb is the only word I can use. I've just been ironing our funeral clothes and it still doesn't seem real. I don't think I've accepted my sons death and unless I accept it, I can't move forward in grief. It's all well and good saying I must accept the death of my child, but someone tell me how? How is my brain suppose to process the loss of my child?

Well I've managed to get up early and take Jesse-John to his first jiu-jitsu session and then sat and watched Jensen do a session. Jensen has not long come back from working in Colombia and he started jiu-jitsu whilst he was there. It will be nice if Jesse gets into it too. So anyway, my day was going ok and then I had an email off the celebrant, with everything she's written ready for the funeral. Took me a while to read it all and I cried throughout.  None of what's happening seems real, its like a big blur to me. I can't quit believe that one of my children is dead. It just doesn't make sense.. Anyway, the funeral will be here before I know it, only 2 more sleeps. On the Tuesday, the day after the funeral I'm going to the Lake District until the Friday. Only for 3 nights but I think the break will do us all the world of good. I'm going with my ex partner, my children's dad, my boys, and his wife and their children they have together. We are the defini...

Jasper is my 16 year old son, one of four boys. It was his prom last night and I couldn't be prouder. I just wish his brother was here to see him in his suit and tie looking all dapper. It's Friday today, Monday is coming around so fast and I'm just not mentally prepared to say goodbye to my first born son. I keep thinking ill wake up from this nightmare and I'll have all my 4 children alive and well. I'm trying to accept that my son is dead so I can move through this grieving process but I just can't accept it. I can't accept the death of my child. I've got wait the rest of my life until I die to see my child again. Yesterday I read the poem called 'Footprints In The Sand' and the words 'its then that I carried you' touched me. I don't know if you believe in God but I found my faith after the death of my father and since the death of my child I've prayed more than ever for god to get my through this. I truly believe God is carryi...

With Jay-Dees funeral approaching it takes me back to the day I collected my dads ashes. It felt like the worst day of my life, that was until my son passed away.. But the day I collected my dads ashes, I just wanted to die, I have done everyday since. Id drank that much alcohol I felt like there was no going forward in life. I had an abunce of prescription sleeping tablets and decided I wanted to end my life. So, with a mixture of alcohol and sleeping tablets in my system, I got in bed ready to die. I was found unconsious, I was in hospital on breathing equipment and sedated. I clearly survived... then I had cancer and survived. Its like I just wont die... Ill never forget the phone call off my doctor, he said by looking at my blood work it wasnt a cry for help. I remember breaking my heart and saying 'I know'. My dads ashes are in my bedroom, I just cant let him go and my sons ashes will go infront of my fire so I can see him everyday. I promised myself after nearly dying tha...

I couldnt breathe yesterday, felt like my head was under water but today I can breathe again. I need to remember that some days are going to be alot worse than others. Everyday is a bad day, but today, I can breathe. Everything is ready now for my sons funeral, I just dont know how im going to get through the day. My youngest son Jesse-John, it will be his first funeral so I need to try and stay as strong as I can, so that he can get through the day. Im half way through my 2nd book since my son passed away. I first read a book called 'The Loss Prescription' and now im half way through a book called 'Survive Your Childs Suicide'. Reading is helping me get through this, it did when my dad passed away. I even published my own book. If youve followed me for the past 3 and half years youll know that reading helps me. These 2 books ive just mentioned are full of other peoples stories and ways to deal with grief. They are helping me. I cant help but think, am I going have to r...

its 8:48am, ive broke my heart on the school run. I feel so depressed, struggling to see what I write because my eyes are filled with tears. The sun is shinning outside but my world feels dark. Dark is the only way I can describe how I feel. Theres a darkness hanging over my head, like a grey cloud. How am I going to survive these dark days? I didnt sleep well last night and I think its because the celebrant is coming at 10:30am to talk about Jay-Dee. We've got share memories about Jay-Dee so she can talk about him at his funeral. The only problem is, ive nothing inside me, my memory is blank. Its like a switch got turned off inside of me the day my son died. My head isnt a place anyone should be, including me. Why would my son leave me behind? Im scared that suicidal ideation is going to consume me and then kill me. Im scared im going to eventually kill myself. If I ever go more than a week without blogging, im probably dead.. If one day, depression gets the better of me and I end...

Its Monday, my sister came down this morning to apply my bleach to my roots for me, I cant go my sons funeral with messy hair. Ive done nothing but cry all morning, just talking about my son reduces me to tears. I told my sister how I cant live my life like this, ive been sad for so long. I struggled to tell her how I feel because shes never heard it before. She knows about my depression but now she knows how much I think about killing myself. Ive cried so much telling her how misserable I am, I told her about my intrusive thoughts about hanging myself. I couldnt hold back my tears. I think she now knows the depth of my missery. My sister told me how much my other boys need me, and I know they do, it just doesnt make life any easier. Im really struggling to find the light, im struggling to find happiness. I told her that if I was still drinking, I would of killed myself already. The only way I can get through this is to stay sober, we both agreed.. She told me that her and my brother b...

Sundays are always going to be hard, my dad passed away on a Sunday and 3 weeks ago today my son passed away. I kinda feel sick in the pit of my stomach. I remember 3 weeks ago today a police man knocking on my door. I remember opening the door and saying 'have I done something wrong?'. How could I of done something wrong, I never leave the house, but that's the first thing I said. He asked if he could come in and asked me send Jasper and Jesse up stairs. Thing is, I still didn't expect him to say the words he said. I thought, oh god Jay-Dee has been arrested in Liverpool.. if only that was the reason why. To hear the words 'your son has passed away' will haunt me forever.  The phone call I made to Damian, that morning, that replays in my head. I remember my hands shaking trying to call him. Sunday is a day I'll never forget! How has it been 3 weeks since I lost my baby, my beautiful 21 year old son? What must of been going through his head for him to commit...

Myself and Jensen went out for a coffee. Jensen is like my best friend. We both sat in Costa coffee and took it in turns to cry. I cried and then Jensen cried. Is this how it's going to be forever now? This day, 3 weeks ago, my son left the house to go to a rave in Liverpool and never came home. The weekends are always going to hit me hard. My dad died on a Sunday and so did my son. Since my dad passed away 3 and half years ago, I've struggled everyday. I honestly don't know how I've made it this far in life, but then my son passed away and everything feels much worse. I was already in a bad way mentally and then I lose a child. Will I ever be well mentally? I honestly can't spend another 3 and half years feeling this way, I just can't live like this. I'm just not enjoying being alive. It's heartbreak after heartbreak. There's literally nothing in me except grief. I am a grieving daughter and a grieving mother. How do I find myself again or am I lost...

3 weeks tomorrow since my first born son passed away. I hate the weekends, at least when I do the school run it gets me out of the house. Jesse is going with Damian today and im going see if my other boys, Jensen and Jasper want to go out somewhere. Even if its just an hour to get out of the house. Jensen drives so we could go anywhere. Ill let you know if we do. Im 903 days sober today, staying sober after losing my child has been so difficult but as of yet, ive not caved in and drank any alcohol. How, I dont know. All I can think about is how much id love a whiskey. I know alcohol will only make me feel worse, so its really not worth it, is it? Nearly 2 and a half years sober! Its crazy to think ive gone that long without a drink of alcohol. Dont even eat foods containing alcohol. I never really talk much about my love life, and thats because I dont have one. Will I ever be well enough mentally to even find someone to settle down with? Its hard to move on in life when so much tragedy...

Have I mentioned how my days just blend and before you know it, its the weekend again. It's Friday today. On Sunday it will be 3 weeks since my son committed suicide. I've got no recollection of the past nearly 3 weeks.. it's like I'm on a different planet, my heads all over the place. I'm drifting through life, I'm oblivious to what's going on around me. I am so lost in life. Why am I still here? What is my purpose? Was my purpose to be a mother and that's all? I remember my psychiatrist saying to me that my purpose could be to be a mother. Yes, a mother of 4, now I have a son in the stars. I will always be mother to 4, but now I don't get to wash his work stuff so it smells lovely for him on a Monday morning. I don't get to make his packed lunch at night anymore. I'll never get to see his beautiful face again. Now when I cook tea for my 4 boys, I'm a plate less. It's the little things like cooking tea or doing a load of washing that...

As soon as someone on the school run asks me, how I am, I cry. Ive been to buy funeral clothes today with my second eldest son, Jensen. Got me out of the house an hour, but I wish it was for anything other than funeral clothes. We're wearing black. Ive got 4 sons, Jay-Dee, Jensen, Jasper and Jesse-John. How blessed was I to have birthed 4 sons. And then one of my sons, passed away. He was 21 years old. 21 years of age, what an absoloute tragedy. Jensen, is my rock. Hes struggling himself and still makes sure im ok. We're like friends, we go out to places together and its so lovely. A few days before Jay-Dee passed away, we all went out for a carvery. I was THE proudest mum in the world, sat with my 4 boys. I could of burst with pride. The hole inside me that losing my son has left will never leave me. I am always going to long to see my child. My first born son, my Jay-Dee. Im sat here now thinking about what to write and I have nothing in me. Ive never felt so empty. Im filled...

Is this really happening to me, am I never going to see my son again? It's hard to take in. Why is everyone going about their business when my son has just died. Why is the world still turning when my life has stopped. I can't even hold a conversation without my mind drifting off to thoughts about my son. I feel lost, I feel empty and I feel numb.. My sons funeral notice will go in tomorrow's sentinel and again on the 26th. I've managed to walk Asda after the school run this morning and buy stuff to make for tea. I didn't even want to get out of bed but I forced myself. I've not cooked for 2 weeks so I thought I'd better try for my other children. I feel like I've neglected my mother duties because my son has died. I'm drained. There's no life in me. It's like I died inside but my body won't give up the fight. I get my strength from my children, I have to keep going don't I? I'm literally just surviving, I'm hanging on by a th...

Ive been to see my child this morning in the chapel of rest... What can I say, im lost for words, I feel numb. I kissed my son and stroked his beautiful face. Im glad I finally got to see him and say goodbye, but, the image of him in a coffin will never leave my head. It should of been me, not my child! It should of been ME. 'The Little Boy Made For Me In The Stars.' I dont even know what to write, im lost for words. My child shouldnt be in a coffin. Ill never heal from this.

I'm a mess today, I've cried the entire day. I've had to force myself to bathe and wash my hair, I'll deal with the shaving of the body hair another day. But today I bathed and I washed my hair. All whilst drowning in my own tears. I think now we have a date for the funeral, it's hit me hard! I'm losing the will to live.  I'm so tired, my body is weak from grief. My hair is falling out but it has been for a while because of the Menopause. ( If you're new to my blogs, I had cancer and the surgery forced me into early Menopause. I wear an HRT patch every day.) Life is just kicking me whilst I'm down. When I say I'm tired, I don't mean sleepy, I mean I AM TIRED!!😭 I am tired of trying my best everyday to wear a smile for my other children. I'm tired of getting out of bed. I'm tired of having to cook for my other children. I'm tired of fighting for my life. For 3 and half years since my dad passed away, I have been fighting for my li...

Yesterday I had no clue what to write, I was numb to the core. I barely slept last night over thinking everything. Asking myself, how I'm going to get through this. How I'm going to cope with seeing my first born son in a coffin, how will I get through the funeral. This can't be happening. July 1st is when my son has his funeral, i feel sick just thinking about it. After the death of my father, I lost my way in life. Couldn't see a future. And then my son has passed away. How do you cope with the death of a child? Someone tell me how I get through this please 🙏🏼 

The coroner has rang today and the funeral home. My son will be getting collected from Liverpool, Monday morning. Which means I can hopefully see him Tuesday. Its Friday today. It will be over 2 weeks since I last saw my child. As a mother, my body is yearning to see my son. I just need to hold him and kiss him on his head. I feel sickness to the pit of my stomach, I'm dreading seeing my baby in a coffin, I'm dreading the funeral. This shouldn't be happening. His funeral will be July 1st at 12.15. I just feel numb. Im convinced its not my son and he'll just arrive home at some point.. I feel hollow with a sick feeling in my stomach. A few of my friends delivered me a beautiful canvas of my son this morning. What beautiful, thoughtful people I have in my life. I don't really know how I feel or what to say, I don't understand how I'm still alive. I'm lost...

Yesterday my son, Jasper, turned 16 years old. I didn't put up banners or blow up balloons like I'd usually do for all my sons birthdays, I didn't even buy his cards, his dad did. I didn't take him out, I didn't leave the house, I haven't been leaving the house since Jay-Dees death. The guilt I feel for him having a shit birthday is horrible. I just haven't got any life inside me. I didn't get excited that he turned 16, I let him down. My eldest son died June 2nd and its been 11 days, I've still not seen my son. I keep thinking about seeing him in the Chapel Of Rest and then his funeral and I don't know how I'm going to do it. It's making me feel physically sick, I feel sick to the pit of my stomach.  I feel guilty that I couldn't save my child. Why has he left me? I'm not sure how I'm getting through the days. The fact I have 3 other children is a major factor I guess.. I just don't know how I'm doing it. I wake up in...

The funeral home have rang and my son still hasn't had his postmortem. It's 9 days and I've still not seen or held my child. I've been thinking about when I see him in the Chapel Of Rest and it still doesn't seem real. I don't think it will hit me properly until I see my son. I remember seeing my dad in the Chapel Of Rest and because he was embalmed it didn't really look like him. It's weird, it did and it didn't if that makes sense, so we are not having Jay-Dee embalmed. I want to see him just as he is. God its going to be so hard to leave him there and walk away. My beautiful son I miss more than anything in the world. I feel like I've not long woke up and it's now 7.06pm. My days are just merging into one. Everything is moving around me but I'm stood still. I've got nothing inside me, I am empty. I'm drained, life is draining me. I'm tired of fighting for my life, but I have no choice but continue to fight..  I hope my son ...

I've been dead inside for that long, I've forgotten how to live. I don't know how it feels to smile, a genuine smile. I can't remember the last time I was truly happy. Obviously giving birth to my boys was something to smile about but I mean the past 3 & half years, since my dad passed away, I forgot how to smile. I feel like I've been plagued by death. I died too, I died inside the day my dad passed away, and then my son passed away and I don't see any light. My days are dark. The days are just merging into one, it's hell on earth for me. It's ok for you to say, it'll get better, but I've been suffering for so long I don't even want to be alive anymore. Does that sound selfish? I know I've got to stay alive for my other 3 children, but it's sad that their mother will be like this forever. My body is with them but my heart is with my first born baby boy. My beautiful son in the stars above. I felt my soul leave my body,  hearing t...

It's been 8 days and I've still not seen my son. My world feels like its ended. I feel so very lost in life. I've constantly got tears streaming from my eyes. My beautiful boy has gone and it still doesn't seem real. I keep hoping its a nightmare I'll wake up from. I don't want see anyone, I don't want leave the house. I just want to die and be with my son and my father. I don't understand why my son took his own life, he was at a rave doing different drugs. Recreational drugs. He did them at raves, only this time he lost his head early hours of the morning and decided to take his own life. He left me behind, he knew I was struggling with life and he just left me here. I was already dead on the inside but losing my child has finished me off. I don't think I'll ever come back from this. I think I'll be lost forever. I just want to see my child. I've had to force myself to get out of bed this morning to take my youngest school. Due know how...

It's been a week and I've still not seen my beautiful boy. I just want to see my son. I need to see my son. How have I made it through a week? I've done nothing but cry for a week, I don't know how I'm still alive.. My days have just drifted into each other, I have no recollection of anything I've done. I've battled everyday for the past 7 days to stay alive. I've wanted to die for such a long time and then my son died. Do you know how hard it is to even exist when all you want to do is die and be with your son? Living has become torture. I've got no interest in anything. I've got no interest in being alive. I smile at my kids but I'm dead behind that fake smile they see. I just don't know how I'm ever going to get better.  The sadness I carry inside of me is consuming me. I'm riddled with grief. I'm plagued by death. I really don't know how I'm going to carry on...

My other children are talking to me and I dont hear a thing. I just smile at them and nod my head, as if to tell them I heard what they said. I ve got a continuios scream inside of me. If youve followed my blog from the beggining (3 years ago) you'll know how hard I have fought to get out of a dark place and just as I was starting to see some light, my son passed away. I dont think I can come back from this mentally. I think ive died inside. I wont come back from this tradgedy. Im sat crying, asking myself how am I meant to carry on without my first born son. Someone please tell me how I am meant to carry on? I know ive got to carry on because I have 3 other children that need me, but ive nothing in me, I feel numb. I wouldnt care if I went bed tonight and didnt wake up. Im still sober by the way, how? Ive not got a clue because there is nothing more id love than to pour myself a large whisky. Im 2 and a half years sober this month. I have to keep telling myself, my son wouldnt wa...

It will be a week tomorrow and I've still not seen my baby boy. The post mortem will take a week. I don't know how I've made it through this past week. I just keep crying. I feel like this can't be happening but also know that it is happening. The hurt I feel knowing I will never see my baby again is killing me inside. The lyrics to his funeral song keep going around and around and around in my head. "The Little Boy Made For Me In The Stars" I'm slowly going insane.  The longing to see your child is torture. I don't know how you heal when you lose a child.  I am broken and I will never be fixed. No amount of counselling will fix my broken heart. I will be broken until the day I see my son again. I keep praying he's with my father. 2020 I lost my dad to cancer 2021 I had cancer 2022 I went sober  2023 I had a breakdown 2024 my beautiful boy killed himself... My life will never be the same.

Myself and Jay-Dees dad Damian have been to arrange his funeral this morning.. We have no date yet because a post mortem is being carried out. I feel sick, I feel numb, I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest, I feel like I've been punched in my stomach. I'm angry at the world, I'm filled with deep sadness.  I just want the world to stop and realise that my son has just died. I feel like time stood still when my baby passed away, the hours are drifting bye and I've no recollection of time. My world stood still, yet the world around me carried on going. I'm stuck in a body that just won't die. The loss of a child is a hurt you could never imagine unless you've lost a child yourself. We are all devastated.  I don't think mentally ill come back from this, all I can think about is dying and then I have to tell myself, I have 3 other children that need me. I'm lost beyond words. I don't recognise myself anymore. I look in the mirror and I...

I thought I felt heartbreak after losing my father at the young age of 55, but losing my 21 year old son is.. I can't even put it into words how I feel. The morning the police offer told me my son was dead, I felt my soul leave my body. I died that same morning my son passed away... I am just a vessel waiting to die. All I've done since Sunday is stair into space. The hours are passing me bye and I have no recollection. I feel like I have died but trapped in this body.

The coroner rang me this morning to tell me my son would need an autopsy and it's going to be another week... The funeral home also rang today and myself and Jay-Dee dad will go Friday to arrange our sons funeral.  Do you know how agonising it is to not have your son anymore? I am an absolute mess. Knowing I've got to go and plan my own sons funeral is devastating. It's Wednesday now and I've not seen my son since Saturday. It's killing me. We've had to decide on a burial or a cremation. We thought about burial and then decided we didn't want to leave him there alone in a grave yard, so his ashes will come home with me. I shouldn't be planning a funeral for my beautiful boy, it's not right, it's not fair!!! I just want to fucking scream!!!!!!! Why my son.

I just wanted to share the chorus from a beautiful song for my boy. Song by Nelly Furtado, Childhood Dreams. You're the little boy made for me in the stars In the stars, it's why I can't let you go The little boy made for me in the stars It's why I love you more the further I go And before this existence you were always here Inside of me You are, you are the realest thing I know Hands down The realest thing I know

I'm going to miss my boy, my first born son, my best friend and my protector. I'll miss his cheeky smile he use to give when I said something ridiculous. I'll miss him just appearing every time I turned around and he made me jump. I'll miss his face, I'll miss his smile. I'll miss texting him everyday to tell him what was for tea. I'll miss making his packed lunch every night for work. I'll miss finding contact lenses all over the house. I will miss him for the rest of my life. I will miss my son until my dying day.

The tears keep coming, I am absoloutely distrought. I feel like I have failed as a mother. I feel beyond heartbroken, I just want my boy home. Ive self harmed, ive not self harmed for over half a year, ive been trying so hard to get better and now im scared im going to kill myself. My 21 year old son took his own life yesterday morning. How as a mother do you deal with the death of a child? Where do you find the strenght to continue living when all you want to do is die? I cant leave my other 3 children behind but depression doesnt care if youve got children. Im worried that I will end up dead. The depression will become to hard to deal with and I will kill myself regardless of whether its the right thing to do or not. Im praying my dad was there to meet my son and they are together in heaven looking down on us all. Im back in that dark hole I fought so hard to get out of. I was starting to see some light and now my world has gone dark again. I cant imagine a life without my 4 boys an...

My first born beautiful boy passed away today, I am absoloutely devastated. Im struggling to come to terms with the death of my father, im hanging on by a thread and then my son passes away. My son died today, my baby boy died and I dont know how to live a life without him. I dont want to live a life without him!!! When will my nightmare of a life end? How do I carry on when all I want to do is die? My son was 21 years old, his name is Jay-Dee Colclough. I just want to sceam and rip my hair out, I want to die. I cant die can I, I have 3 other children that need me. I know one day im going to die.Im sat telling myself that my other boys need me but I feel like my body just wants to give up. Im tired now of fighting depression. I am so fucking tired. How do you carry on living when a piece of you has just passed away, someone tell me how I carry on living without my son..