June 26th Breathe.

I couldnt breathe yesterday, felt like my head was under water but today I can breathe again. I need to remember that some days are going to be alot worse than others. Everyday is a bad day, but today, I can breathe. Everything is ready now for my sons funeral, I just dont know how im going to get through the day. My youngest son Jesse-John, it will be his first funeral so I need to try and stay as strong as I can, so that he can get through the day. Im half way through my 2nd book since my son passed away. I first read a book called 'The Loss Prescription' and now im half way through a book called 'Survive Your Childs Suicide'. Reading is helping me get through this, it did when my dad passed away. I even published my own book. If youve followed me for the past 3 and half years youll know that reading helps me. These 2 books ive just mentioned are full of other peoples stories and ways to deal with grief. They are helping me. I cant help but think, am I going have to read for the rest of my life just to get through the days? I mean it cant hurt can it? Youd think the sunshine would make me feel better, but it doesnt. I dont think ill ever feel better after losing my child. In both books it mentions writing in a jounal, which is pretty much the same as blogging. I type all my emotions and then I feel some what released. Does that make sense? My blog is my safe space to write whole heartedly how I feel and I know it does me good getting everything off my chest. I think to myself everyday that I cant do this, and then everyday, I wake up and ive managed to get through another day. So regardless of how I feel, im doing this thing called life without even realising it. As much as I think about death and suicidal ideation, im still alive, blogging about it. Without realising, im still living for my children. I get my strength from my boys, I always have done, its just tragic that one of my sons has died. Ill never get over the death of my child but im hoping life gets better. I cant live another 3 and half years like ive been living. I would rather be dead because im not living, im surviving. I feel like ive had loss after loss with my cancer thrown in, in between. Tell you what though, I keep getting knocked down and I keep getting back up. Fuck you life!!