June 21st The Days Roll Into One.

Have I mentioned how my days just blend and before you know it, its the weekend again. It's Friday today. On Sunday it will be 3 weeks since my son committed suicide. I've got no recollection of the past nearly 3 weeks.. it's like I'm on a different planet, my heads all over the place. I'm drifting through life, I'm oblivious to what's going on around me. I am so lost in life.

Why am I still here? What is my purpose?

Was my purpose to be a mother and that's all? I remember my psychiatrist saying to me that my purpose could be to be a mother. Yes, a mother of 4, now I have a son in the stars. I will always be mother to 4, but now I don't get to wash his work stuff so it smells lovely for him on a Monday morning. I don't get to make his packed lunch at night anymore. I'll never get to see his beautiful face again.

Now when I cook tea for my 4 boys, I'm a plate less.

It's the little things like cooking tea or doing a load of washing that are keeping me going. My other boys need me and that's what I have to remember. 

There will be an inquest in September..

September.  It's June now. It's going to be a long wait. I've not got a clue why there will be an inquest, I think it's because of how he died.

It feels like a nightmare.

I had to force myself to get out of bed this morning, I sat on my bed for ages before I could participate in life. I just want to get in bed, curl up in a ball and stay there.

Anyway, hope you have a lovely day, who ever reads my bogs x