June 25th 2024.

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June 14th My Son Is Coming Home.

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The coroner has rang today and the funeral home. My son will be getting collected from Liverpool, Monday morning. Which means I can hopefully see him Tuesday. Its Friday today. It will be over 2 weeks since I last saw my child. As a mother, my body is yearning to see my son. I just need to hold him and kiss him on his head. I feel sickness to the pit of my stomach, I'm dreading seeing my baby in a coffin, I'm dreading the funeral. This shouldn't be happening. His funeral will be July 1st at 12.15. I just feel numb. Im convinced its not my son and he'll just arrive home at some point.. I feel hollow with a sick feeling in my stomach. A few of my friends delivered me a beautiful canvas of my son this morning. What beautiful, thoughtful people I have in my life. I don't really know how I feel or what to say, I don't understand how I'm still alive. I'm lost...
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March 11th Tuesday.

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I went to the spiritualist church last night in the hopes my son would come through but he didn't. Gutted. I was desperate to hear off him. My friends aunty came through and I'm happy for her. The medium didn't really go into any detail about the person it was things you could of said to anyone. I dunno, maybe if my son had come through maybe I would of believed in what she was saying. I've had another driving lesson this morning and I did way better. I'm glad because I was thinking of stopping, so I'm happy I did better. I'm getting the hang of the clutch now. I even reversed today. I've done some washing today and pegged it out but I think it's gone a bit cold. I've heard we've got snow coming, typical after the nice weather we've been having. Can't wait to get the school run done so I can get a bath and get in my pj's.  I can't wait go bed. I love being in bed.
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June 2nd Monday. 1 year.

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1 year today my first born son tragically passed away. A whole year without my child. The pain I feel inside is unimaginable. I'm hurting, like really hurting. My beautiful boy. I'll never get to see his face again, I'll never get to tell him I love him. Today is hard day. I knew it would be hard, I just didn't realise it would knock me off my feet. I'm a mess. I look a mess and I feel a mess. How am I meant to live each day without one of my children? How have I made it through this past year? How am I not dead already? I fantasise about my death. I thought about making a noose the other day and hanging myself. I wanted to self harm yesterday but I made myself leave the house and go my friends to change my way of thinking. Its been a year today since I last harmed. I honestly don't understand how I'm getting through each day. I don't want to be here anymore, I haven't wanted to be alive for years now. How much longer have I got to live with this pai...
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