June 13th Jasper Is 16.

Yesterday my son, Jasper, turned 16 years old. I didn't put up banners or blow up balloons like I'd usually do for all my sons birthdays, I didn't even buy his cards, his dad did. I didn't take him out, I didn't leave the house, I haven't been leaving the house since Jay-Dees death.

The guilt I feel for him having a shit birthday is horrible. I just haven't got any life inside me. I didn't get excited that he turned 16, I let him down.

My eldest son died June 2nd and its been 11 days, I've still not seen my son.

I keep thinking about seeing him in the Chapel Of Rest and then his funeral and I don't know how I'm going to do it.

It's making me feel physically sick, I feel sick to the pit of my stomach. 

I feel guilty that I couldn't save my child.

Why has he left me?

I'm not sure how I'm getting through the days. The fact I have 3 other children is a major factor I guess.. I just don't know how I'm doing it. I wake up in the morning and I wait for bed time to come back around. I'm not living, I'm not thriving, I'm simply surviving.

I've not taken my youngest school all week because I just can't bring myself to get out of bed in the morning. My hair is greasey because I've not got the energy to wash it, my legs and arm pits are hairy because my boys have confiscated the razors so I don't kill myself, because I've self harmed since my sons death. My private parts need washing. I've just not got the energy to even be alive.

I feel drained. I'm trying so hard to be strong for my children. 

I am trying my best.