June 29th jiu-jitsu.

Well I've managed to get up early and take Jesse-John to his first jiu-jitsu session and then sat and watched Jensen do a session.

Jensen has not long come back from working in Colombia and he started jiu-jitsu whilst he was there. It will be nice if Jesse gets into it too.

So anyway, my day was going ok and then I had an email off the celebrant, with everything she's written ready for the funeral.

Took me a while to read it all and I cried throughout. 

None of what's happening seems real, its like a big blur to me. I can't quit believe that one of my children is dead. It just doesn't make sense..

Anyway, the funeral will be here before I know it, only 2 more sleeps. On the Tuesday, the day after the funeral I'm going to the Lake District until the Friday. Only for 3 nights but I think the break will do us all the world of good.

I'm going with my ex partner, my children's dad, my boys, and his wife and their children they have together. We are the definition of a perfectly blended family.

I feel sad that Jay-Dee won't be coming but I have to remember, if he was still alive, he still wouldn't of come with us. It's not his thing.

I couldn't if I tried to describe how I'm feeling, the loss of a child really cuts deep.

I keep expecting him walk through the door tired from working his long hours. He was such a good worker, he was weeks away from completing his apprenticeship for brick laying. He used to send me photos of his brick work and I was so proud of him. He had aspirations and then his life tragically ended.

I feel so sad inside.

I feel incredibly blessed to have birthed 4 amazing sons. Life is cruel and it doesn't seem to give me a break.

..because I've lost a child my anxiety is so bad. I constantly worry that'll I'll lose another child. I'm scared to be alive.

I had anxiety the other day about walking the school,  what has happened to me??

I pray that God gets me through this and that he carries me on the days I don't feel like living.