June 25th The Celebrant.

its 8:48am, ive broke my heart on the school run. I feel so depressed, struggling to see what I write because my eyes are filled with tears. The sun is shinning outside but my world feels dark. Dark is the only way I can describe how I feel. Theres a darkness hanging over my head, like a grey cloud. How am I going to survive these dark days? I didnt sleep well last night and I think its because the celebrant is coming at 10:30am to talk about Jay-Dee. We've got share memories about Jay-Dee so she can talk about him at his funeral. The only problem is, ive nothing inside me, my memory is blank. Its like a switch got turned off inside of me the day my son died. My head isnt a place anyone should be, including me. Why would my son leave me behind? Im scared that suicidal ideation is going to consume me and then kill me. Im scared im going to eventually kill myself. If I ever go more than a week without blogging, im probably dead.. If one day, depression gets the better of me and I end up taking my own life, I hope my kids read my blogs from the past 3 and half years and can see how hard ive tried to stay alive. My sister said it would be selfish of me to kill myself yesterdray when we spoke. It would be wouldnt it? I dont want to die, but I do. Does that makes sense? Scribble on a piece of paper.. thats what it looks like inside my head. It would be selfish to kill myself but how much longer am i going have to fight my demons. All ive done since 2019, after my dads terminal diagnosis, is survive. Its 2024 now and everything just got a whole lot worse after the death of my child. A blanket of darkness is covering me, I feel like im drowning but I manage to gasp for air every now and then. I dont see a future with me in it...