June 10th Continued.

-
I've been dead inside for that long, I've forgotten how to live.
I don't know how it feels to smile, a genuine smile. I can't remember the last time I was truly happy.
Obviously giving birth to my boys was something to smile about but I mean the past 3 & half years, since my dad passed away, I forgot how to smile.
I feel like I've been plagued by death. I died too, I died inside the day my dad passed away, and then my son passed away and I don't see any light. My days are dark. The days are just merging into one, it's hell on earth for me.
It's ok for you to say, it'll get better, but I've been suffering for so long I don't even want to be alive anymore. Does that sound selfish? I know I've got to stay alive for my other 3 children, but it's sad that their mother will be like this forever. My body is with them but my heart is with my first born baby boy. My beautiful son in the stars above. I felt my soul leave my body,  hearing that police man tell me my son was dead. I told him he'd got it wrong and its not my son. I don't think it will hit home properly until I've seen my son in the Chapel Of Rest. I will always be a mother to 4 boys, unfortunately one of them has wings and watches over me. I am tired of fighting to be happy. I am so fucking tired of life.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

June 14th My Son Is Coming Home.

-
The coroner has rang today and the funeral home. My son will be getting collected from Liverpool, Monday morning. Which means I can hopefully see him Tuesday. Its Friday today. It will be over 2 weeks since I last saw my child. As a mother, my body is yearning to see my son. I just need to hold him and kiss him on his head. I feel sickness to the pit of my stomach, I'm dreading seeing my baby in a coffin, I'm dreading the funeral. This shouldn't be happening. His funeral will be July 1st at 12.15. I just feel numb. Im convinced its not my son and he'll just arrive home at some point.. I feel hollow with a sick feeling in my stomach. A few of my friends delivered me a beautiful canvas of my son this morning. What beautiful, thoughtful people I have in my life. I don't really know how I feel or what to say, I don't understand how I'm still alive. I'm lost...
Read more

June 3rd 2024 The Morning After.

-
The tears keep coming, I am absoloutely distrought. I feel like I have failed as a mother. I feel beyond heartbroken, I just want my boy home. Ive self harmed, ive not self harmed for over half a year, ive been trying so hard to get better and now im scared im going to kill myself. My 21 year old son took his own life yesterday morning. How as a mother do you deal with the death of a child? Where do you find the strenght to continue living when all you want to do is die? I cant leave my other 3 children behind but depression doesnt care if youve got children. Im worried that I will end up dead. The depression will become to hard to deal with and I will kill myself regardless of whether its the right thing to do or not. Im praying my dad was there to meet my son and they are together in heaven looking down on us all. Im back in that dark hole I fought so hard to get out of. I was starting to see some light and now my world has gone dark again. I cant imagine a life without my 4 boys an...
Read more

June 2nd 2024 My First Born Son Passed Away 💔🕊

-
My first born beautiful boy passed away today, I am absoloutely devastated. Im struggling to come to terms with the death of my father, im hanging on by a thread and then my son passes away. My son died today, my baby boy died and I dont know how to live a life without him. I dont want to live a life without him!!! When will my nightmare of a life end? How do I carry on when all I want to do is die? My son was 21 years old, his name is Jay-Dee Colclough. I just want to sceam and rip my hair out, I want to die. I cant die can I, I have 3 other children that need me. I know one day im going to die.Im sat telling myself that my other boys need me but I feel like my body just wants to give up. Im tired now of fighting depression. I am so fucking tired. How do you carry on living when a piece of you has just passed away, someone tell me how I carry on living without my son..
Read more