June 15th 2024 Continued.

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I'm a mess today, I've cried the entire day.
I've had to force myself to bathe and wash my hair, I'll deal with the shaving of the body hair another day. But today I bathed and I washed my hair. All whilst drowning in my own tears.
I think now we have a date for the funeral, it's hit me hard! I'm losing the will to live. 
I'm so tired, my body is weak from grief.
My hair is falling out but it has been for a while because of the Menopause. ( If you're new to my blogs, I had cancer and the surgery forced me into early Menopause. I wear an HRT patch every day.)
Life is just kicking me whilst I'm down.
When I say I'm tired, I don't mean sleepy, I mean I AM TIRED!!😭
I am tired of trying my best everyday to wear a smile for my other children. I'm tired of getting out of bed. I'm tired of having to cook for my other children. I'm tired of fighting for my life.
For 3 and half years since my dad passed away, I have been fighting for my life.
3 and a half years and I sit and ask myself, how am I not dead already?????
When I say I wish I was dead, I mean it. I wish I'd just die in my sleep but God keeps on waking me up. The ONLY reason I'm still alive is for my boys. If I didn't have children I'd of been dead a long time ago.
Life has been moving on around me for over 3 years and I'm stuck riddled with grief and plagued by death.
In just over 3 years I've lost my dad, then my step mum Sharon, then Russel a really good friend of the family, then my son and I was told a few days ago another friend had passed away, and in-between all of that, I had Cervical Cancer...
That's all in 3 and a half years.
I'll ask again, how am I not dead?
Why did I survive cancer, I ask myself often.
Why is everyone around me dying and I'm stuck in this shitty world all alone. I'm not alone, I know, I have other children that need me but by God do I feel lonely.
I barely leave the house, I'm riddled with anxiety and the chronic depression is off the scale.
I don't want to do life anymore and I'm sorry but I don't think I'll live till an old age. I don't want to. I want to die and see my son and my dad.

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