June 27th My Dads Ashes.

With Jay-Dees funeral approaching it takes me back to the day I collected my dads ashes. It felt like the worst day of my life, that was until my son passed away.. But the day I collected my dads ashes, I just wanted to die, I have done everyday since. Id drank that much alcohol I felt like there was no going forward in life. I had an abunce of prescription sleeping tablets and decided I wanted to end my life. So, with a mixture of alcohol and sleeping tablets in my system, I got in bed ready to die. I was found unconsious, I was in hospital on breathing equipment and sedated. I clearly survived... then I had cancer and survived. Its like I just wont die... Ill never forget the phone call off my doctor, he said by looking at my blood work it wasnt a cry for help. I remember breaking my heart and saying 'I know'. My dads ashes are in my bedroom, I just cant let him go and my sons ashes will go infront of my fire so I can see him everyday. I promised myself after nearly dying that I wouldnt do it again, I convinced myself my father sent me back and that I am here for a reason. So as much as I have intrusive thoughts and suicidal ideation, I will try my best to get through it. What if one day the depression wins, you know, on the bad days I have? When my time is up, its up and I get to see my dad and my son again so im not scared to die. Until that day comes, I will try my best to stay alive.