June 24th How Do I Live.

Its Monday, my sister came down this morning to apply my bleach to my roots for me, I cant go my sons funeral with messy hair. Ive done nothing but cry all morning, just talking about my son reduces me to tears. I told my sister how I cant live my life like this, ive been sad for so long. I struggled to tell her how I feel because shes never heard it before. She knows about my depression but now she knows how much I think about killing myself. Ive cried so much telling her how misserable I am, I told her about my intrusive thoughts about hanging myself. I couldnt hold back my tears. I think she now knows the depth of my missery. My sister told me how much my other boys need me, and I know they do, it just doesnt make life any easier. Im really struggling to find the light, im struggling to find happiness. I told her that if I was still drinking, I would of killed myself already. The only way I can get through this is to stay sober, we both agreed.. She told me that her and my brother both need me to stay alive. How do I continue my life, when all I want to do is die? I dont know how im going to get through this.. I didnt think life could get any worse after my dad died, turns out rock bottom has a basement! Its been 22 days since my son took his own life, after taking MDMA and then Ketamine at a rave. God I could just scream!!!! I just want my child back home with me and his brothers. Im never going to see my first born son ever again and that shit hurts deep. My soul is tired, my body is tired. I am tired of fighting to stay alive, but I have no choice, but to keep going do I?