June 20th Continued.

As soon as someone on the school run asks me, how I am, I cry. Ive been to buy funeral clothes today with my second eldest son, Jensen. Got me out of the house an hour, but I wish it was for anything other than funeral clothes. We're wearing black. Ive got 4 sons, Jay-Dee, Jensen, Jasper and Jesse-John. How blessed was I to have birthed 4 sons. And then one of my sons, passed away. He was 21 years old. 21 years of age, what an absoloute tragedy. Jensen, is my rock. Hes struggling himself and still makes sure im ok. We're like friends, we go out to places together and its so lovely. A few days before Jay-Dee passed away, we all went out for a carvery. I was THE proudest mum in the world, sat with my 4 boys. I could of burst with pride. The hole inside me that losing my son has left will never leave me. I am always going to long to see my child. My first born son, my Jay-Dee. Im sat here now thinking about what to write and I have nothing in me. Ive never felt so empty. Im filled with nothingness, just a big empty hole inside of me. An invisable pain. My heart feels heavy like its dropped to my stomach, my insides feel dead but the brain just wont die. I could happily leave the house and step infront of an oncoming bus, it would have to be a heavy goods vehicle, I wouldnt want to survive and have to be tube fed. Thats how unlucky I am.. But seriously, death doesnt scare me.