June 8th continued..

My other children are talking to me and I dont hear a thing. I just smile at them and nod my head, as if to tell them I heard what they said. I ve got a continuios scream inside of me. If youve followed my blog from the beggining (3 years ago) you'll know how hard I have fought to get out of a dark place and just as I was starting to see some light, my son passed away. I dont think I can come back from this mentally. I think ive died inside. I wont come back from this tradgedy. Im sat crying, asking myself how am I meant to carry on without my first born son. Someone please tell me how I am meant to carry on? I know ive got to carry on because I have 3 other children that need me, but ive nothing in me, I feel numb. I wouldnt care if I went bed tonight and didnt wake up. Im still sober by the way, how? Ive not got a clue because there is nothing more id love than to pour myself a large whisky. Im 2 and a half years sober this month. I have to keep telling myself, my son wouldnt want me back drinking.. If I hit the bottle it would guarantee my death. The only way I can stay alive is to stay sober. Im taking each day hour by hour just to stay afloat.