June 22nd Its Saturday.&.Im Still Sober.

3 weeks tomorrow since my first born son passed away. I hate the weekends, at least when I do the school run it gets me out of the house. Jesse is going with Damian today and im going see if my other boys, Jensen and Jasper want to go out somewhere. Even if its just an hour to get out of the house. Jensen drives so we could go anywhere. Ill let you know if we do. Im 903 days sober today, staying sober after losing my child has been so difficult but as of yet, ive not caved in and drank any alcohol. How, I dont know. All I can think about is how much id love a whiskey. I know alcohol will only make me feel worse, so its really not worth it, is it? Nearly 2 and a half years sober! Its crazy to think ive gone that long without a drink of alcohol. Dont even eat foods containing alcohol. I never really talk much about my love life, and thats because I dont have one. Will I ever be well enough mentally to even find someone to settle down with? Its hard to move on in life when so much tragedy has happened in such a short space of time. Life just keeps kicking me down and all I can think is, surely one day, something has got to happen. Surely something will happen to make me smile. Surely to god, im due some happiness. I dont even know how to be happy, thats something my brain doesnt recognize. Its something that will have to be programmed in at some point. Im 40 years old and ive never felt so sad and lonely.