October 4th Sunday.

Today I have showered and washed my hair! Proud of myself. Had to force myself to do it, but its done. Ive done a french plait in my hair and ive got clean pjs on. Need to shower Jesse at some point today ready for school tomorrow. 

The girls wanted meet up today, but I can't be bothered. Im just going to have a lazy day.

When I say I think about my dad and son everyday, I dont think people understand the magnitude of it. They are literally on my mind all throughout the day, its so hard to deal with. Everything i do, i think to myself, dad would of done this, or Jay-Dee would of liked that. They're on my mind 24/7. Its destroying me. I dont get a break from my own brain.

Im sat in my usual seat on the settee and across from me I see my dad and sons urns. I know they're both safe at home with me and that gives me some comfort. 

Ive got a new canvas coming, ill post a pic of it at the end of my blog. One of Jay-Dees cousins did the picture, its of Jay-Dee in the clouds. Its beautiful. My house is full of canvases of my children and dad and I love it. Jensen said, dont you think youve got enough? Erm no.. 

These photo canvases keep me going. I look at them all and I smile.

Im such a sad person since my dad and son died. I think i have broken heart syndrome 💔 because I am completely heartbroken. 

I had to start a new life after my dad died because I lost who I was, I then had to deal with cancer and having that cut out of me, along with my womb and ovaries and lymph nodes. That was a battle, and I felt even more lost in life. Then my son died and now im not sure how im still alive and most of all how im still sober. I think about hitting the bottle some times, but then I think to myself id feel even worse and id probably kill myself in drink. So its best I stay sober.

Life is not a walk in the park for me, everyday is a battle between life and death. Wanting to live for my children and wanting to die so I can see my father and child again.

I think this is how ill be until I die. Im always going to be sad now, even when I experience joy.

Im dead inside. I died too when my son and dad died. They both took part of me with them and there's not much of me left. 

Im living for my children and when they no longer need me, that is when I will go..